


Bonded Kyber Crystals

by Starryskyondragonsback



Category: Star Wars Legends: Knights of the Old Republic (Video Games)
Genre: F/M, incomplete amnesia, literally says in game that Jedi don't kill prisoners, why do you have to kill malak?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-25
Updated: 2020-03-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:20:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 28,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22397716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starryskyondragonsback/pseuds/Starryskyondragonsback
Summary: Mara Tallee gets roped into following the footsteps of Darth Revan in a last-ditch effort to stop the Sith traitors, despite the fact that she has weird memories and even weirder dreams. But a fateful encounter on the Leviathan provides a fork, and Mara is left with the realization that she can shape the galaxy.
Relationships: Alek | Darth Malak/Female Revan, Carth Onasi/Female Revan
Comments: 30
Kudos: 38





	1. A Path Once Traveled

**Author's Note:**

> For once, I don't have to acknowledge direct quotations of anything. Huh. Weird stuff. Hi, friends! Enjoy my irritation! First chapter is a brief introduction to Rev's personality. Time skips will be present.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Mara Tallee fights to survive the Endar Spire and she can't remember who she misses at her side.

### Chapter One: A Path Once Traveled

The _Endar Spire_. Something about the ship sitting there at dock and gleaming in the sunlight called to her.

She tipped her head to the side and only a couple of strands of her dark hair that had somehow escaped the tightly coiled braids fell into her face. She’d just been assigned to the ship to serve in some capacity under the Jedi on board. But given that she was a “reformed” smuggler who recently joined the war against the Sith because they were bad for business, she wasn’t entirely sure why she was supposed to work with Jedi. Jedi were clean. Smugglers were not.

Of course, she was aware that because of that, she was going to have skills the Jedi on board did not. She just unfortunately could not remember exactly what those skills were and she wasn’t about to tell anyone.

She’d been told that she might have some element of memory loss due to her injuries, which could account for the shiny memories, but some instinct that had been growing more and more insistent in the days since she’d woken up was deeply suspicious.

Some of her memories were a bit too shiny. Others were a little distorted, flashes of war and death. Those she trusted. The other memories, the shiny ones of peace and a farm, she suspected weren’t real. Then there were the most recent memories since waking up in a field med station, of recovering and then being sent back out on assignment for the Republic. She trusted those too.

Paranoia had been another one of the side effects she’d been warned about but the problem was that she didn’t _feel_ paranoid or crazy. There was just this lingering feeling that she’d forgotten something deeply important.

Oh, well.

She slung the Republic-issued bag with her Republic-issued supplies over her shoulder and walked up the ramp onto the ship.

* * *

After a couple of days on the ship, there were two things she’d learned about herself, or relearned as the case would be though how she’d forgotten them was a mystery. Amnesia. Weird thing.

First, she seemed to be missing someone at her side. Moments would happen with either the crew or the other soldiers on board and she would reflexively turn to her left, a grin on her face only for the expression to immediately fade when whoever was supposed to be there wasn’t. The others noticed quickly but instead of confusion or wariness, she just saw sympathy. They assumed the war, either the Mandalorian war or the one against Revan and Malak’s forces, had taken someone from her and maybe one of them had. She’d only know when her memories came back. But she did know she was missing someone and the loss hurt her and she couldn’t remember why.

The other thing was that sleep didn’t come easily to her, only if she worked herself until she was ready to drop. The side effect of that was that she’d never actually spoken with her roommate, Ensign Trask Ulgo. They were on rotating shifts to begin with but once she actually got to sleep, she slept like the dead. He could have paraded an entire squadron through their room and she wouldn’t notice. When she did dream, they were confusing, flashes of fighting, of lightsabers, of a golden world and a golden sun. Nightmares. They had to be from the stress of being surrounded by Republic soldiers and knowing she didn’t exactly belong.

So when the jolt of the ship woke her up, she had a moment of confusion which turned swiftly into recognition of the surge of adrenaline.

She was just swinging her legs over the edge of the bed when the door to the room burst open to reveal her roommate who before she’d only ever seen asleep. “Tallee!” He froze, eyes widening.

She realized that she was pointing her blaster at him and that her hand wasn’t shaking. She lowered the weapon as the ship shuddered again. The hairs on the back of her neck stood on end as something in the air warned her of danger. “What is it?” she asked, voice roughened by sleep and her nightmare, but waking up further with each blink.

“The ship’s been boarded by the Sith. We need to find Bastila Shan.”

She’d only seen the Jedi a handful of times and her impression was that of an ice queen, aloof and uninterested in mingling with those under her command. But she also knew that keeping as many Jedi away from the seductive, and rumor had it overwhelming, power of the Sith was vital to keep their numbers from growing. 

If the Sith were attacking, then she had to keep the ice queen safe.

So she nodded, stood, and began stripping off her sleep clothes. She heard a soft noise and twisted around to see Ulgo had turned his head to the side, a blush darkening his pale cheeks. “I’ll wait outside for you. Just...hurry.”

She didn’t even wait for him to leave before resuming.

She hesitated over the vibroblade she would happily have always kept at her side were it not for the fact that she got strange looks from the other crew members. But if they were being boarded, that meant the Sith were serious about capturing Shan. And if they were serious, then losing Shan would mean they’d either take the _Endar Spire_ or they would destroy it. So she strapped the vibroblade into its non-regulation sheath on her back and walked out of the room.

She didn’t stop, just kept going past Ulgo who jogged to catch up to her. “I never asked, but what’s your full name?” he said, long legs somehow almost failing to meet her shorter stride.

“Mara Tallee. Smuggler until a short while ago. Fell in with the Republic’s forces when my ship got caught by Sith forces outside of Kesmere.”

“Smuggler? Why are you on the _Spire_?”

“I got assigned here. You’d have to ask the higher ups if you wanted a more specific reason why. I didn’t.”

A warning tingled across her skin just before they saw two black armored figures shooting down one of the _Spire_ ’s crewmen. “Troopers!” Mara shouted, pulling out her blaster with her left hand and shooting as she charged forward. A blast of heat went past her cheek. She wasn’t sure if it was from one of the Sith troopers or a badly aimed shot from Ulgo, but then she was within melee range of the troopers and drawing her vibroblade and she didn’t care.

It was over quickly, the blade cutting into the weak points in their armor as she spun elegantly around them. Mara turned back to Ulgo and stared at him, vibroblade out and pointed at the floor. Even though the alarms were blaring, she could swear she could hear the drip of blood onto the metal floor.

With a casual flick of her wrist, the blade shook all of the liquid off it.

Ulgo just watched her, and she knew the expression on his face well.

His fear and sudden uncertainty of her didn’t matter. All that did matter was protecting the Jedi and surviving this mess.

A male voice sounded, echoing from both of their communicators, and Mara reflexively glanced at her wrist. _“This is Carth Onasi. The Sith are threatening to overrun our position! We can't hold out long against their firepower! All hands to the bridge!”_

“That was Carth Onasi! He’s one of the best pilots in the- Wait, where are you going?”

“You heard the man,” Mara called out behind her. “All hands to the bridge.”

* * *

Mara and Ulgo killed a number of Sith troopers fighting their way to the bridge. Ulgo hung back at range to use his blaster while she engaged them with her vibroblade. Well, Ulgo killed. Mara just tore into her opponents.

Eventually though, they both skidded to a halt and Mara tightened her grip on her weapon. A man stood there ahead of them, blocking that exit, with shaved head, dark goatee, and, more importantly, dark robes and a red lightsaber that hummed. There was a darkness surrounding him that she recognized as the nearby menace she’d sensed when she woke. He began slowly striding towards them, arrogant in his power.

Mara tensed, grip on her blade tightening and her foot sliding just a little into a defensive position.

“Damn, another Dark Jedi!” Ulgo hesitated. With her peripheral vision, she could see him look at her. “I’ll try to hold him off! You try to get to the escape pods!”

“You face him, you die.” The words were unnaturally calm, even to her ears. But there was a sharp ring of certainty to them because she _knew_ deep in her soul that it was truth.

“You got brought in special for this. I help you, I help the mission. Go!” Ulgo charged at the Dark Jedi, whose lips had curled up into a cruel smile.

She didn’t hesitate, bolting down the hall to the left and heading for the starboard side of the ship.

Onasi eventually contacted her again to let her know that Bastila was safe and gone in the escape pods. She was also the last surviving member on the _Spire_ other than him. It was sweet of him that he was trying to stay to make sure that she would make it out but this wouldn’t be the first time she’d cut through boarding parties.

It didn’t matter particularly one way or the other. Lip curled, she tore through the troopers standing between her and her escape route.

She didn’t notice the wounds until she was forced to slow down and slice through the _Spire_ ’s decryptions in order to get a door open, and reprogram an assault droid while she was at it. This wasn’t what she was best at, never had been, but she couldn’t deny the satisfaction of watching the Sith troopers die even if it wasn’t at her blade.

When she straightened up, she winced, hand immediately going to her side and coming away red.

She shook her head, ignoring the pain, and continued cutting her way through. The troopers in red armor gave her more injuries for her trouble but then she made it to the bridge, coming face to face with the pilot, Carth Onasi. 

She blinked in surprise.

He was the pretty boy soldier she’d run into the day before, the one who had kept her from falling over. She had enough time to mentally acknowledge that it was good to have a name for the face before he was grabbing her arm. “There's only one active escape pod left,” he said.

“Good. Right. Yes. Naturally.” She knew he could tell that she was injured by the way she flinched away from his touch. They didn’t have time for this, she knew with perfect clarity that the _Endar Spire_ was about to be destroyed but it was almost touching the way he let go of her. He watched the way she tucked her body to defend the wound in her side, eyes serious and dark hair nearly falling into his face. That hairstyle was _almost_ not regulation.

“Are you alright?” he asked, frowning.

“I’m fine. We need to go.” Mara shook her head.

He led the way to the escape pods, letting her get in first. She almost stumbled into it and collapsed, finally letting herself register the pain as she buckled herself in. 

The first real fight she’d been in since being pronounced fit for duty and she’d managed to get herself seriously hurt. Again.

Mara sighed in disappointment as Onasi strapped himself in. The escape pod shuddered as it was released, knocking her head against the wall and everything went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is at the Leviathan. Time skip.


	2. Captured!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which an interrogation between Saul Karath and Mara Tallee occurs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time skip, y'all! Also, I swear there is a quest in some video game somewhere with the quest title of "Captured!" I'm just not sure if it's this one or not.

### Chapter Two: Captured!

_The ship shuddered around her as the fighting got more intense. Not that she noticed. Her lips stretched wide in a feral grin behind her mask as she brought her humming red lightsabers down. The Jedi parried the blow with her own double-bladed lightsaber, sending one red lightsaber flying._

_The grin curled into a sneer. Very well. She was more lethal with one lightsaber as she was with two. It made little difference to her._

_The fight continued, feeling the Jedi’s fear and desperation tainting the Force. Until the ship rocked, briefly upsetting her balance but giving the Jedi just enough of an opening to allow pain to erupt through her entire body._

Mara jolted awake, feeling sick to her stomach. The dreams were coming more frequently now. Bastila swore up and down that it was only because of their Force Bond that she was having those dreams about Darth Revan. It would be a good enough reason, one even she’d believe, if it weren’t for the fact that not all of them were terrible and not all about that last day. Some of them were good, full of smiles and sunshine and warmth. And love.

Those were the dreams about Darth Revan’s life she hated the most, the ones from before she fell into the Dark side. It didn’t make any sense for a Force Bond to be giving Mara good dreams from before Bastila ever came into contact with the fallen Jedi.

A familiar darkness suddenly came into the Force and Mara was out of bed, lightsaber in hand and ignited to illuminate her room. Carth sat up in her bed, dark eyes worried in the flickering blue light of her lightsaber. “What is it?” he asked, voice rough with sleep. 

She just looked at him for a moment, memorizing the image before her, before extinguishing the weapon and hurriedly beginning to pull on her armor and robes, an ensemble that she refused to admit had first been inspired by her dreams of Darth Revan. The Sith Lord had a practicality that she had to admire. 

Mara didn’t answer him.

He hauled himself out of her bed and began pulling on his own armor.

When she finished, she turned back to him before she left. “Malak is near” was all she said, before she left. The other Force users were all up and equally dressed for combat, equally unnerved. “What’s going on?” Mara asked, settling into leader mode, left hand remaining near her lightsaber.

“It’s a Sith interdictor ship. We’re caught in its tractor beam,” Bastila said.

_Malak_. “Which one?”

“I’m, I’m not sure. I don’t-”

“I know.”

They all turned to see Carth in the doorway, pale, but his brown eyes glittered with rage. Mara had enough of a moment to berate herself for not sensing the crackling of his anger in the Force before he continued, “It’s the _Leviathan_. Saul Karath’s flagship.”

_And Malak_. Mara caught Bastila’s eye briefly to see the understanding and reluctance in the Padawan’s gaze before turning her attention back to Carth. “Carth.”

“I know. I’m not going to do anything stupid.” He shook his head but she could still feel his anger and it was too much like the darkness lurking on that ship. “But if I get the opportunity, I am going to kill the bastard.”

“Agreed.”

One of his eyebrows twitched.

“You get to kill Saul but only if you can still escape. I’m not letting you sacrifice yourself for vengeance.”

Bastila shook her head. “Why are we talking about escape when we haven’t even figured out how we’re going to do that yet?”

“Saul isn’t an idiot. He’s going to be keeping an eye on all of us,” Carth said. “Especially you, me, and Mara.”

“Then we need someone else.” Mara straightened up, studying the rest of her assembled crew. She didn’t dare risk one of the other Force users in this gamble. One of the droids could work but… Her storm grey eyes fell on Canderous, who was watching her steadily. “Canderous,” she said.

“Yes?” he said, not bothering to move from his position leaning against the doorframe.

“Is there some way we could exploit your healing ability?” she asked.

His eyebrows lifted briefly before a smile began to curl his mouth. “You could give me a shot to delay my healing mods from kicking in.” He scratched his chin. “A small incendiary grenade will leave burn marks that look like I was injured while making repairs to the ship. Make my wounds bad enough and the Sith'll drag me off to the morgue or the medical facility to die. When my healing mods kick in, I'll come save the rest of you.”

She frowned. “You aren’t immortal.”

“I’m the best chance you’ve got.”

The Mandalorian could be absolutely insufferable but right now she needed that. But only one felt like a terrible plan and she cared about those little droids, even the one who called everyone meatbag. They would probably get wiped and sent to the junk pile if Saul had an ounce of tactical ability and everything she’d read about him and everything Carth had told her said that he was brilliant.

Not as brilliant as she was, however. She knew how to predict people and while the Jedi Council had repeatedly told her, for the short time she trained on Dantooine, to watch her pride, she didn’t see the point of false modesty when she _knew_ how good she could be. “Canderous, the droids are going to back you up.”

T3 chirped worriedly.

Carth glanced at the little astromech. “He says that if he’s disabled, the Sith will probably wipe his-”

“-memory chips and get taken to the junk pile,” Mara finished with him. “So would HK. But we could install them with the back-up memory chips we’ve made and rig them up with a timer, then they would be fine. Theoretically.”

T3 whistled in agreement.

“Statement: My construction includes a reserve memory chip and back-up power supply that automatically kicks in if I have been shut down too long,” HK said, stepping forward. “Deactivate my main circuits and wipe my memory chip. The Sith will take me to the junk heap and I can come rescue the rest of you after I reactivate.”

Mara balked inside at the idea of deliberately wiping the assassin droid’s memory but he was right, as infuriating as it was. The Sith might melt him down before it would work, might melt both of them before the timers kicked in, but she had to try to stack the deck as much as she could. “Agreed. T3, let’s get your modifications in quickly.”

Canderous went back to the armory, stim already in hand. Mara didn’t have enough time to wonder why he had a stim to delay his healing mods carried around with him when the ship shuddered again and then stopped.

She whirled around to the others. “Into the smuggling hold, the rest of you. And _stay put_.” She turned back to the ones she was probably about to get killed. “Carth, can you handle the droids?”

“Yeah, but…why?”

“Bastila and I will distract them to try to stall for a little bit of time. Here’s one of T3’s backup chips.” She tossed it at him and ignited her saber. “Stay back so that they find you when they ship. Come on, Bastila.” She heard a muffled boom from the armory and knew it was time to leave everything to the Force.

Mara stood in front of the airlock just as it opened with a hiss. The Sith troopers stopped in their tracks, black armor and helmeted. Mara’s lip curled as she stared them down. “Here’s the thing. Do you have any idea how many of your men I’ve killed in the past few weeks? A lot. I remember all of them so if you’d like exact numbers, I can give them to you.”

Her lightsaber hummed.

“Surrender,” one of them said, voice modulated from the helmet he wore.

“Why would I do that?” Mara asked, voice cold. She heard the armor shift as the troopers tightened their grips on their weapons.

Her senses expanded to the Force eagerly.

And then Bastila’s hand on her arm stopped her. “This is not the Jedi way,” the Padawan told her quietly, understanding coming through their bond.

Mara shrugged the hand off, keeping her eyes and focus on the Sith troopers, praying that Carth would hurry. It would have been faster if Mission could have helped but they needed to stay hidden if they were going to survive. She could only hope that she was blazing strongly enough in the Force that Malak would only sense her and Bastila. If he was in fact on that ship. But she would have bet the _Ebon Hawk_ on him being there.

She waited for the moment when Carth’s relief would bleed into the Force. Fortunately it was the moment right before she could sense that the troopers were about to open fire and so she deactivated her saber. 

The troopers twitched in surprise when she held out her heart, hating the fact that the weapon was even leaving her possession but knowing it was necessary. “Here. Go ahead and take it. Bastila’s right. Killing all of you would definitely be frowned upon if you don’t fire first and I’d rather not have my ship be damaged in the fight.”

She and Bastila found themselves unsurprisingly shackled and dragged onto the _Leviathan_ , followed closely by a struggling, angry Carth, an unconscious and heavily wounded Mandalorian, and a pair of deactivated droids. She couldn’t help the moment of pride that the others hadn’t been found.

She didn’t realize she’d blacked out until she woke up, almost naked, in an energy cage. To her right, in another, was Carth, and to her left, Bastila. 

Reflexively, she reached up to her throat and when her fingers closed around the gently pulsing kyber crystal, something in her nearly broke from relief. Master Zhar had given it to her on Dantooine, just before her trials. The kyber crystal was encased in an open cage of delicately crafted beskar, hung on a worn, supple leather necklace. He'd had an apprehensive look on his face when he'd held it out to her but holding it in her hands had made her smile. It pulsed gently, familiarly, warmly, and even through robes and armor, she could feel it.

Now, against her bare skin, she would swear seemed to be pulsing along with another heartbeat. 

Even knowing she didn't have her lightsaber on her anymore, she wasn't too worried. She had the kyber crystal that wasn't hers to bond with because somehow she knew it had already bonded with someone else.

The kyber crystal that was so important was still with her. She could get her lightsaber back.

And somewhere on this ship was Malak.

"Mara, you're awake," Bastila said, voice hoarse.

"Has there been anyone to see us?" Mara asked, seeing the camera high up on the wall.

"No, not yet."

"How are we getting out of this?" Carth asked, pacing restlessly around his cage.

Mara stood. Inhaled. Exhaled. Stretched out into the Force. "We wait. Our Mandalorian and our droids will get us out."

"And Saul?" His voice was tight with anger.

"He'll answer for what he did to Telos, Carth. I promise."

Mara didn’t have long to pace before the man himself arrived: Admiral Saul Karath. It had to be him because he didn’t give off the darkness she would have expected from Malak.

She noted the graying blond hair tucked underneath the black cap and the alert blue eyes. But more than that was this unshakeable feeling that they had met before. She knew that she, a smuggler, had absolutely no reason to have ever met an admiral on either side of any war. In the cage to her right, Carth threw himself at the energy field, almost spitting with anger. 

Karath just smirked, strolling casually over to the younger man. “Carth, it has been far too long since we last spoke. I see the recent months have not been kind in your case. I barely recognized you.”

An emotion welled up inside her so fiercely it almost took her breath away. And then it took a moment for her to recognize what it was. _Hate_ . She could not give into it. Jedi did not fall to their hatred. But, _oh_ , how she wanted to, this traitor who had destroyed a planet and for what? To prove his loyalty to fallen Jedi.

“But I recognized you, Saul,” Carth replied lowly, face twisted. “I see your face every night even as I promise myself I will kill you for what you did to my home world.”

Karath scoffed. “Did you learn nothing in your time under me? As a soldier you should understand that casualties were unavoidable. This was an act of war.”

_Casualties?!_ She felt the Force crackle around her even with the restraints in place. Bastila’s head whipped around to stare at her.

Carth, to his credit, did not immediately throw himself at the energy field again. “It was a cowardly act of betrayal! Your fleet bombed a civilian target into oblivion without warning or provocation. And the blood of those innocent people is on your hands!”

“In war, even the innocent must die.” Karath sounded bored. “The Sith would not accept me until I proved I had truly turned my back on the Republic by bombing the planet.”

“My wife died in that attack, Saul,” Carth snarled, taking a step closer to the energy barrier. “And for that, I swear I'll kill you.”

“You used to be a man of action, not of empty words,” Karath replied with a disappointed sigh. “Cling to your lust for revenge if you must, but spare me your tired threats. I've heard them all before. You are an insignificant part of these events, anyway.” Karath turned and strode in front of Mara’s cage. For her part, she had on her pazaak face, mild disinterest and all arrogance. He peered at her closely, glancing briefly at Bastila, before studying Mara with the kind of focus she would have found unsettling if something in her wasn’t snarling for her to be let out of her cage. “Lord Malak is far more interested in your Jedi companions. He has great plans for them.”

Bastila straightened up, trying to call attention to herself. “We will never serve Malak or the dark side! The Sith will be destroyed, Admiral Karath. As will you if you don't turn away from this path.” Mara didn’t break eye contact with the traitor in front of her.

“Your words are brave, Bastila, but the lure of the dark side is hard to resist - or so I've been told. I wonder if your companion is as devoted to the light as you are?”

An answering smirk crept onto Mara’s face. She wasn’t a real Jedi, hadn’t been trained since childhood. She’d been a lying smuggler. That fact might prove useful now. “For the right offer I could probably be convinced to join the Sith.”

_Take the bait_. As if on cue, both of her companions wordlessly protested.

Karath gave a short laugh. “Your loyalty is as fickle as ever, I see. Malak will find that amusing, though I seriously doubt he will want you of all people at his side.”

Mara just lifted an eyebrow and then yawned.

The arrogant smile on his face faded a little as he peered at her more closely. She didn’t smile but it definitely seemed that he didn’t like being played at his own game. She’d never met anyone who could push buttons as unerringly as she could. “The Dark Lord would probably reward me if I just killed you once and for all. But he may want to question you given the trouble you've caused him,” he paused, considering, “and the history between you.”

Mara kept her face in gambling mode but she had that one word bouncing around in her head. She took a moment to decide if she was going to rise to the bait, then decided that she would let him have this small victory. “History? What are you talking about?”

“You mean... oh, this can't be true, can it?” A disbelieving smile grew on his face, as did her discomfort. “You really don't know what's going on here, do you?” Karath started to laugh. “Well, I won't be the one to deprive Malak of the pleasure of telling you himself.”

“Oh, so you are just a lap dog for someone greater than you are. Good to know,” she snarked.

Fury flashed across his face before he schooled it again. “The Dark Lord will no doubt torture you for information and for his own twisted pleasure. Eventually you will tell him everything. The Sith can be very persuasive. However, Lord Malak is in another sector. It may be some time before he arrives, so I suppose I will have to fill in for him until then.” Karath snapped his fingers. “Activate the torture fields.”

Agony that was suddenly deeply familiar tore through her but she did not scream.

Eventually the pain stopped and she sucked in a hard breath, muscles quivering from the torture and her building anger.

She'd never been tortured before. _Why was this familiar?_

“-them to pass out before I question them. Malak will appreciate any information I can give him when he arrives.” 

The dark fury began to churn in her chest as she rose back onto her feet.

“Don't waste your breath, Saul! We won't answer any of your questions,” Carth panted as he too got up.

Mara mentally begged him to stay down, to let her have this fight, and then she cursed, not for the first time, that he wasn’t Force sensitive.

“I'm sure you won't” Karath patronized, safe behind the barriers. “However, we both know your friend's loyalties have proven in the past to be somewhat... flexible.”

“What are you talking about?” Mara asked, pleased that her voice was still strong, trying to draw his attention back to her.

“I am interrogating you, not the other way around. You will answer questions, not ask them,” he said, glaring at her. He straightened his jacket. Mission accomplished but now she had to deal with the intense seething fury. “It is time to put your loyalty to the test. I doubt torturing you will gain me your true cooperation. Your will is too strong to be broken that way.” He smiled. “However, even the strongest of heroes has trouble watching those they care about suffering.”

Mara’s blood ran cold. “Too bad for you that I’m not a hero then, isn’t it?” Damn, her voice had trembled just a little. She sighed, trying to sound as bored as possible. 

Karath stepped back in front of Carth, a smile on his face. “The interrogation will begin now. Each time you refuse to answer or give me a false answer, Carth will suffer.”

Mara blinked at Karath. He was going to die today and she wasn’t sure that Carth was going to get the privilege of doing it. “Fine. Go ahead. Why would I care?”

Karath tsked at her. “You expect me to fall for such a transparent ploy. You travel halfway across the galaxy with someone and you expect me to believe you feel nothing for each other?”

“He’s still in love with his dead wife.” _We were in bed together just this morning_. “And let’s all be honest with each other. I just don’t have the same sense of honor that Flyboy over there does.” Her eyes narrowed and the Force crackled around her again. “And I’d like you to remember that I might be a Jedi now but I wasn’t always one.”

For a moment, real fear shone on Karath’s face before it twisted into anger. “Enough!” he hissed. “I tire of these games - now I want answers! On what planet is the Jedi Academy at which you were trained?”

“Alderaan, of course,” she replied with a careless shrug.

“Alderaan is nothing but a planet of artisans and philosophers! There is no training academy there! You must think this is a game.” Karath straightened up, attempting to regain control, eyes narrowing. “Very well. This is the price of your resistance.”

Carth’s back bowed silently before he let out a howl.

“Enough!” Karath snapped.

Carth slumped, staggering.

Mara wanted to drive her lightsaber into the admiral’s chest.

Karath swaggered back over to Mara’s cell. “You see what happens when you try to defy me? This first question was a test. Obviously Malak knew the Academy was on Dantooine, and it has since been destroyed by our fleet! Dantooine is an empty graveyard now. Nothing remains but a smoking ruin and the charred remains of your former Masters!”

_Control your anger_ . She knew she was supposed to, she knew that’s what Jedi were supposed to do. But it was so _hard_ and she hadn't spent enough time with them for the lessons to be second-nature. “You will pay for this crime, Saul,” she said, voice low and hard and sharp. In the cage beside her, Bastila drew in a quick breath.

“More empty threats,” Karath sneered. “We Sith prefer to let our actions speak for us. Perhaps that is why we are winning this war.”

“No,” Mara said. “You’re winning battles. But you will lose this war and you will die today.” She would not lose. She knew this deep in her gut, in the place where she felt the Force warm and guide her.

Karath paused and she felt something weird shift in the air but she just wasn’t sure what it was. “Now... tell me your mission. How were the Jedi planning on using you to stop Lord Malak and our Sith armada?”

Her lip curled, now more than happy to play the part of a feral animal. “Assassinate you both with a song in my heart.”

She didn’t really understand why he blanched but it pleased her. “Do you take me for a fool? The Jedi are not assassins. They would never devise such a plan!”

“How do you know I haven’t gone rogue? I spent all of a couple of weeks with the Jedi. I’m not like them. I am _not_ a Jedi.”

Karath leaned back onto his heels. “Perhaps you need a reminder of the consequences of refusing to cooperate.”

This time, Carth screamed.

“Listen, can you not hear him suffering? You can spare him further pain by simply answering my questions.”

Carth went silent though he panted loudly. Mara didn’t look at him though she tried to flood him with as much strength and support as she could send without taking her attention off of Karath, who just sneered at her.

“Now, I will ask again: on what mission did the Jedi Council send you?”

Mara curled her lip. “This accomplishes nothing, Saul. We will never betray the Republic.”

“Perhaps another lesson is in order?”

In the middle of his screaming, she thought she heard Carth ask for mercy and her heart seemed to wither a little but then he passed out.

“I am surprised he did not pass out sooner. Rarely have I seen someone withstand such punishment and remain conscious.” Karath almost sounded impressed and against her will, Mara felt a massive surge of pride for her pilot lover. Then Karath looked back at her and there was a moment of fear in his eyes. “I see I am wasting my time here. When Malak arrives you will learn my interrogation techniques are considered merciful among the Sith. I will leave you here in your cell with a small taste of the horrors you will suffer when Lord Malak arrives.”

The last thing she remembered before the darkness took her was that she had refused to scream no matter the pain. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Saul is the worst. That is all. I'm totally with Carth on that one.


	3. Forget Me Not

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Mara loses something and gains something

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo, just as a heads up. There will come a point where Mara stops referring to herself as Mara. I tried to make sure that I identify by name every time Bastila speaks or is referred to minimize confusion and also to use paragraphs to split up when Bastila is speaking or doing action and when Mara is.  
> It's all about identity, yo.

###  Chapter Three: Forget Me Not

Mara tore through the Sith troopers with vicious efficiency. They needed to get out, yes, but even as she took care not to truly let any of them suffer, any of them that she saw ended up dead. Her plan had worked and now she was descended on her enemies like a terrible storm. The trio of Dark Jedi masters waiting for her and her companions met her lightsaber the same as the foot soldiers, a flash of blue that eventually they couldn’t keep up with.

Everything fell in her wake.

At one point, she had the fleeting thought that she hadn’t had enough training to be doing what she was. But none of it mattered. She was going to tear the ship apart if she had to in order to save her friends.

Bastila and Carth didn’t say a word as she swept through, though she suspected that was for two entirely different reasons.

Once they fought their way to the bridge, and she stood there, not even breathing hard as she stared at Admiral Saul Karath flanked by his own guards, she spun her lightsaber in her hand, the blue hum twisting around her. Death had come for this traitor. The certainty of it settled deep in her bones.

“Very resourceful,” he said, giving her a slow clap. “I assume you had some part in this. You learned your lessons well from me.”

“The only thing you taught me was betrayal and death, Saul,” Carth snarled. He stood behind her on her left side, like he had ever since they teamed up together back on Taris. Even though she couldn’t remember who had been in?. BNot even going to lie, it really irritates me that you don't even get the option despite the whole "Bastila saved you" thing if you don't end the game dark side.ut the one who had been there was probably dead so it didn’t matter at this point.

Karath scoffed. “Don't be a fool. I am giving you and your companions a chance to surrender. A chance to live. Darth Malak himself is on his way, he will be arriving any moment.”

“He speaks the truth, Carth,” Bastila said and Mara could sense her concern. “I can feel the Dark Lord's presence approaching.”

So could she but Karath was not going to survive the day.

“Malak will destroy you, but if you throw down your weapons now I will ask my Master to be merciful,” Karath said.

Carth took a step out and away from her. “I've seen enough of Sith mercy!”

“You always did like to do things the hard way.” Karath sighed. “Lord Malak would have preferred live prisoners, but corpses will have to do.”

The fight was short and brutal. Mara fell on the Dark Jedi in the room, facing two at once but she was faster than she ever remembered being. They weren’t a match for her and as her senses expanded into the Force, blazing bright against the approaching darkness, she found herself twisting almost elegantly to deflect the blaster bolts shot her way when Bastila failed to attract the attention of the enemy troopers.

And then the fighting stopped and Karath was on his back, bleeding out as Carth stood over him, breathing hard.

She couldn’t hear what Karath said, only watched as Carth recoiled, back straightening.

Mara walked over to him, extinguishing her lightsaber, just as Karath died.

“It can’t be true! Damn you, Saul!” Carth punched a nearby terminal. “Damn you!”

“Forget it, Carth. Whatever he said, he was just trying to hurt you,” Mara said, trying to regain peace for the party. 

He flinched at the sound of her voice before whirling on Bastila. “It is true, isn't it? And... and you knew! You and the whole damn Jedi Council. You knew the whole time!” His voice broke on the last word.

_ Knew what? _

Bastila sounded close to tears. “Carth, it's not what you think. We had no other choice! Please, you don't understand-”

“Then make me understand!” He was raging at the Padawan and while Mara could understand being angry with her briefly, she’d never done anything to warrant the anger and pain tearing into her through the Force.

“I think I’m out of the loop here. What are you two talking about?” Mara asked.

“Not here, Carth. Please... there's no time,” Bastila begged desperately. “Malak is coming. This isn't the place. Please, Carth I'm asking you to trust me. For just a little while longer. 

“She's right, Carth. This isn't the time. We can get into this after we escape,” Mara said, putting a comforting hand on his lower back and trying not to feel hurt when he flinched away from her touch.

“I'll trust you, Bastila but as soon as we're off this ship I expect some answers!” Carth snarled. As he walked away, he wouldn’t meet Mara’s eyes.

Mara looked at Bastila, who immediately dropped her gaze and scurried off. 

The bad feeling in her gut intensified.

Her commlink chirped. “ _ It's Canderous. We took care of the guards. We're inside the Ebon Hawk and all systems are go. As soon as you guys join us we can get out of here.” _

The hangar had more enemies to deal with and while she normally was more than happy to cut them down with her lightsaber, now she hung back as Carth of all people, charged into the fray. She kept blasters on her at all times just in case even now and it came in handy protecting Carth’s back.

Only, every time her blasters fired, with their distinct whoosh from the modifications she’d put into them, he flinched.

In the hanger, before they got to the Ebon Hawk, a man in black robes and armor similar to the ones Mara herself wore with a metal prosthesis for a jaw stepped out in front of them. Bastila stumbled. Carth began firing at him.

And Mara?

She froze. Because she knew him from Darth Revan’s memories. This was the boy with sunshine in his hair, the young man she’d sometimes find herself kissing in those memories. The man with the metal jaw that she’d had the sense was because of Revan.

Darth Malak.

He ignited his red lightsaber and easily deflected the blaster bolts. Malak started to laugh, a harsh metallic sound that hurt her deep in her chest for some reason, and with a casual flick of his wrist, Carth went flying. Malak turned to the Padawan, dark satisfaction radiating from him. “I hope you weren't thinking of leaving so soon, Bastila. I've spent far too much energy hunting down you and your companions to let you get away from me now. Besides, I had to see for myself if it was true.” He looked at Mara, who forced herself to approach, head held high. He shook his own. “Even now I can hardly believe my eyes. Tell me, why did the Jedi spare you? Is it vengeance you seek at this reunion?”

Again with the reunion thing. First Karath, now Malak. But- “Why did the Jedi spare me?” she echoed. “I don’t understand.”

Malak was so much taller than she was. She was sure she should be frightened of him, especially considering the waves of darkness lapping against her and coaxing her to fall into him. But she wasn’t. The sick feeling hadn’t left but he was just so damn familiar.

“You mean you don’t know?” Malak started to laugh again. “All this time, and you still haven't figured it out? I wonder how long you would have stayed blind to the truth? Surely some of what you once were must have surfaced by now.”

Mara took another step closer and looked up at him and knew with an absolute certainty how far the grey tattoos on his head went down his back and chest. But she still wasn’t afraid of him, even knowing how much he had destroyed searching for her and Bastila.

The amusement on his face stilled and the yellow in his eyes faded a little, until they were just grey, a calmer, clearer color than her own. “Even the combined power of the Jedi Council couldn't keep your true identity buried forever, could it?” This time, his voice was soft with an emotion she didn’t want to identify.

And she remembered. She remembered Bastila saying that the Jedi didn’t believe in executing prisoners, she remembered Carth talking about the Force being used to wipe memories and erase identities. She remembered the Jedi Masters talking about her, that she was a special case and the hope that as she walked down this path, it would have a different outcome.

And then those memories launched herself into one of Darth Revan’s memories, of standing at the base of a stone temple, of taking off that fearsome mask, and seeing the reflection of her own face. 

Mara staggered backwards, almost losing her grip on her lightsaber.

“You cannot hide from what you once were, Revan,” Malak said just as softly as before before his eyes hardened and yellowed once more, lightning in a storm. “Recognize that you were once the Dark Lord, and know that I have taken your place!”

And it all made sense. It all made too much terrible sense. The way some of her memories were too shiny, why she kept having visions of Darth Revan’s memories. Why she’d unconsciously styled herself after the Fallen Jedi. Why the Force was so familiar and why she was so much further along than she should have been. And why upon seeing Malak he had felt so familiar. “How?” she croaked.

“You do not yet remember, Revan?” He didn’t seem to realize that even though he was speaking through a vocabulator, he seemed to purr the name. He remembered the history they shared. And it seemed that even the dark side of the Force was not enough to break their bond that she’d seen, and felt, evidence of. Otherwise he wouldn’t have said her name like that. Would he? Too much. Too much. “The Jedi set a trap. They lured us into battle against a small Republic fleet. During the attack a team of Jedi knights boarded your ship. The Jedi strike team captured you and the Council used the Force to reprogram your mind. They wiped away your identity and turned you against your own followers.”

“Why wouldn’t they just kill me?” But she already knew the answer to that one, she realized as soon as she spoke..

“The Jedi are fools. “They do not believe in executing prisoners. Originally I assumed you had died in the battle. Imagine my surprise when I found out you were still alive, Revan.” Surprise and something else. The memory of that moment echoed through the Force but not strongly enough for her to pick it apart. He shook his head. “How you survived the final battle is a mystery to me. Perhaps you should ask Bastila; after all, she was part of the Jedi strike team that captured you!” He snarled that towards the ashen-faced Padawan.

“How did they capture someone as powerful as Revan... I mean, me?” 

“I helped them, Revan. I always knew that one day the title of Dark Lord would be mine! When the Jedi strike team boarded your vessel I saw my day had come. I ordered my own ships to fire on your bridge. I thought I could destroy all my enemies with a single glorious victory! I never dreamed the Jedi would take you alive from the wreckage.”

She looked up at his face and frowned. No, that wasn’t true. Not entirely. The certainty of that itched along the base of her spine but she didn’t know  _ how _ she knew that or what it meant. She couldn’t ask. Asking him something personal like that would probably just shove them both into a fight. She needed answers first but she couldn’t ask the questions she wanted to. “But why did you betray your…”  _ Your what? Lover? Friend? _ The title whispered through her and she closed her eyes briefly before meeting eyes that she  _ knew _ used to be blue. “Why did you betray your master?” Her voice was much stronger than she expected it to be.

“You mean why did I betray you, Revan.” Malak straightened up and  _ Force _ , he was tall. “You are the one who taught me the ways of the Sith: the strongest must rule if we are to survive! You-” He cut himself off when she raised a hand, face hard. It seemed he still obeyed her, even now when she couldn’t remember and he had supposedly tried to kill her. But had he?

She turned to look at Bastila. “Is this true?” she asked, coldly.

Bastila bowed her head. “I was part of the team sent to capture Revan... to capture you. When Malak fired on the ship you were badly injured. We thought you were dead. Your mind was destroyed, but I used the Force to preserve the flicker of life in your body. I brought you to the Jedi Council. They were the ones who healed your damaged mind.”

Anger began to flick through her, leashed for the moment. She couldn’t afford any more lapses, not this close to Malak. “Then why don't I remember being Revan?” Her voice remained steady, controlled.

Malak began to burn her through the Force. “The Jedi Council didn't restore your wounded mind, Revan! They merely programmed it with a new identity - one loyal to the Republic! They tried to make you their slave!”

“You've been lying to me this whole time, Bastila.”  _ Control. I am a Jedi. _

Bastila went even paler, if that was at all possible. “I wanted to tell you, but the Council forbade it! They were afraid you might return to the dark side if you discovered your real identity!”

Malak’s eyes narrowed. “But now you know the truth, Revan! The Council has failed in their attempt to make you their pawn! The will of a Sith Lord is not so easily manipulated!”

Over and over, she’d heard the stories of what Darth Revan and Darth Malak had done, everything she’d witnessed herself. They were monsters and yet Bastila had saved her when it would not have been wrong to kill her. “Why not just let me die?”

“The Jedi hold all life sacred, even that of a Sith Lord. I could not just let you die, Revan. Not if it was possible to save you.”

“Bastila hides the truth behind noble words, Revan!” Malak snarled, beginning to pace. She knew without remembering how she knew that all she had to do was hold onto his hand and he would stop. And wasn’t that the problem? There were a lot of things that were familiar to her without her remembering them. “The Jedi needed the memories buried deep in your wounded mind; there was no other way to bring them out. They had to keep you alive!”

Memories? No, the memories weren’t the real threat. “Why program me another identity?” She still sounded so calm.

“We couldn't simply restore your true identity,” Bastila almost pleading now. “Revan was too dangerous. But locked inside your mind was information the Republic needed: the secrets of the Star Forge. The Council created an identity for you: a soldier under my command. Your subconscious memories were supposed to lead me to the Star Forge; there was no other way to get the information.” Bastila was sounding more and more desperate.

“They made you their puppet, Revan, and Bastila was the handler pulling your strings!” Malak stopped in front of the Padawan, eyes squinted in a snarl.

She stayed visibly calm. “Why you, Bastila? Why did the Council choose you?”

“When I used my Force powers to keep you alive on that bridge it created our bond. I convinced the Council that I could use that bond to draw out your memories and lead us to the Star Forge.” Bastila felt relieved that everything was coming out now and that was coming through the Force, or their bond. 

She wasn’t sure which.

Malak laughed humorlessly, the sound harsh through the vocabulator. “Tell the truth, Bastila. You wanted to taste the dark side for yourself! You knew the only way the Council would permit you to explore the Sith's power was through Revan's lost memories!”

“No!” Bastila protested. “I wanted to help you, Revan. I thought this mission would redeem you, that it would atone for your past crimes. How else could you be saved?”

Saved. She thought about everything she’d done since joining the Endar Spire. She thought about the kindness she’d shown to nearly everyone she’d met, the viciousness when crossed. She thought about the care she always took to ensure there was as little collateral damage as possible. She thought about the destruction to the Sith Embassy on Manaan, destruction she’d caused deliberately.

She was not Jedi Revan. But she wasn’t Darth Revan either. Or perhaps she was both and neither, neither Jedi nor Sith. Or perhaps something greater than either. 

“But what if I remembered who I really was?”

“That was a risk the Council chose to take. I had to try and draw out the secrets of the Star Forge. It was our only hope of stopping the Sith! There was no other choice.”

Everyone always wanted something from her. The Council didn’t trust her. She’d known that as soon as she’d stepped foot on Dantooine. Master Zhar had been the best of them but even then she’d sensed deep regret and grief and sorrow from him. Still, they’d been willing to use her. Her and Bastila. 

She turned her head to the Padawan, studying the way the girl’s dark eyes were huge in her pale face. “You used me, Bastila. You’re no better than the Sith.” The words came out of her mouth before she could stop them, fueled by her sudden fury at the Masters and Bastila was the only one close enough to take it out on.

“How can you say that?” Bastila protested. “Malak nearly killed you, but the Jedi Council gave you another chance to live! They gave you a chance to redeem yourself by defeating the Sith!”

“A rash and futile hope. The dark side is too strong, my power is too great! Even my old master is no longer a match for me!” Malak crowed.

Then she faced Malak. She knew what was coming and that knowledge was strangely truly calming.

“A small part of me has always regretted betraying you from afar,” Malak admitted. “I always knew there were some who would think I acted out of fear, that I did not want to face you. But now fate has given me a second chance to prove myself. Once I defeat you in combat no one will question my claim to the Sith throne; my triumph will be complete!”

She raised an eyebrow. “Triumph, Malak? You seem to forget that I'm still alive.”

_ There is only the Force _ .

Malak bristled. “The Jedi Council were foolish to let you live. I won't make the same mistake. We shall finish this alone in the ancient Sith tradition: master versus apprentice, as it was meant to be!”

The Force surged and suddenly Carth and Bastila were held in place. Darth Malak’s robes twitched to the side and then he was igniting his lightsaber.

When he brought it down, aiming for her head, she raised hers up to meet it.

Immediately she realized that while the move looked cool and was probably super impressive to see, the impact jarred her shoulder and threw her back several feet. She was strong enough to take a couple of hits from a Wookie, and she'd sparred with Zaalbar enough to know that for certain. But Malak was stronger than that, fueled by the dark side of the Force as he was. Meeting his attacks would leave her dead and him in control and victorious.

He swung three times and three times she parried. Their sabers crackled purple where they met. Before she realized what she was doing, she flipped over his head, lightsaber switching hands to lash out as he went to block from her right. She didn't know if it did any damage but as she Pushed away from him, she realized that she didn't have to meet him. 

If he thought he could take her in a straight fight, he wouldn't have fired on her ship. Which meant she  _ could _ win. Even if she didn't remember how to fight him, her body probably did and she was faster than him. He was fast, faster than anyone she remembered fighting.

But  _ she  _ had been the Master, not him.

She opened up to the Force, letting it thrum through her and it felt like a straight shot of caff into her bloodstream this close to him.

After a particularly brutal series of strikes that sent both of them backwards, she straightened up.

"You won't win, Malak." For a second, another name went through her mind but she couldn't catch it before it was gone.

"No?" He Pulled her towards him, lightsaber flashing. Hers danced out to meet it before it seemed to almost come close enough to kiss the metal on his face and it was only his reflexes that kept it from touching. 

He backed off then, saber held defensively, and somehow she recognized this. No, not somehow.

"You got slow," he said. She could taste his sudden fear and caution in the Force.

For a moment, it was like she could see it around him, a dark cloud that seemed to eat everything around it. Her eyes narrowed. No, it wasn't entirely dark.

And then he was running, heavy steps pounding the metal of the ship. Without thinking about it, she turned her lightsaber off and took off after him. She chased him through the corridors.

There might have been more Dark Jedi trying to stand in her way but if there were, she didn't even pause as she moved like some sort of destroying angel towards Malak. She caught up with him again and this time it was a contest of speed, not strength. 

Again and again and again, their lightsabers met.

He flinched again when hers got too close to his face and with sudden, blurring speed, slammed his lightsaber towards her, knocking her onto her back.

He brought his lightsaber down again and again, the second time forcing hers close enough to her own body that she could feel its heat.

Neither of them so much as twitched in surprise when Bastila yelled out, “This isn't over, Malak!” 

A drop of his sweat fell onto her face as his face scrunched up. She got the distinct feeling that he would have been baring his teeth could she see them. “Your friends do not give up easily, Revan; you always could inspire loyalty,” he sneered. “But even the three of you together cannot stand against my power!”

There was a blur of yellow as Bastila threw her lightsaber at him. He broke the stalemate to parry it away only to have the other lightsaber that he’d briefly forgotten about slide across his upper arm.

He made a strangled sound and Pushed her away. The force of it shoved her through the open blast doors and her lightsaber got knocked from her grip. As she scrambled to her feet, Carth was right there helping her up, and the look on his face, distrust, fear, disbelief, would have ripped her apart if she didn’t have as much adrenaline running through her as she did.

“I'll hold Malak off. You two get out of here! Find the Star Forge!” Bastila screamed as she began attacking Malak with an unusual fury.

“No, Bastila, he's too strong! No!” Carth let go of her arm only to have the blast doors slam in front of them, sealing Bastila and Malak on one side and her and Carth on the other.

She stopped, blinking, instinctively reaching out to the Force and finding the light and dark swirling around each other.

“The door's sealed, we can't get past!” Carth turned back to look at her. He seemed to come to some sort of a decision because he shook his head and grabbed her to pull her away. “Come on, we have to get to the Ebon Hawk!”

“I don’t leave  _ anyone _ behind,” she snarled, yanking her arm out of his grip and punching the blast doors over and over and over.

Once again, Carth grabbed her, trying to stop her when she left a smear of red. “Bastila doesn't stand a chance against Malak, but we can't help her. Not here. We have to get off this ship and find the Star Forge. That's the key to beating the Dark Lord! Bastila sacrificed herself so we could get away. We can't let her sacrifice be in vain! Come on!”

_ She _ could. She knew she could beat him. But she couldn’t remember  _ how _ . She had to remember.

Feeling helpless, she gave a wordless snarl before running for the hanger bay and the  _ Ebon Hawk _ .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like. Seriously, guys. Darth Revan is just as bad, if not worse than, Darth Malak and yet Bastila lets Revan live. Actually, she did more than that. She saved Revan. She could have just let Revan die, inaction being the lesser of two evils. But she didn't. It's a testament to how good Bastila is.


	4. Crime and Punishment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a name is embraced and a path is chosen

###  Chapter Four: Crime and Punishment

After dodging the Sith ships and making the jump to hyperspace, they all finally had a moment to breathe.

The rest of the crew had gathered in the hub of the ship. She and Carth hadn’t joined them yet, instead staring at each other in the hallway. Finally, she bowed her head, acquiescing, and stepped in. After a heartbeat, Carth followed.

The quiet chatter immediately stopped.

“Hey, where's Bastila? What happened on the ship?” Mission asked. She had a fine coating of dust across her head, probably from hiding in the smuggler’s hold, but her eyes were bright. Mission’s optimism was inspiring sometimes.

“We ran into Malak. He would have killed us, but Bastila sacrificed herself so we could get away,” Carth replied, eyes on her. The suspicion in them hurt.

Mission’s eyes got huge. “You mean she's... she's dead?”

Jolee, always quick on the uptake, scoffed. “Bah. Malak won't kill her, don't be foolish. He'll want to use her battle meditation against the Republic. Turn her to the dark side and the Sith will always be victorious.”

“And she will turn,” she said quietly, the first words she’d spoken since the  _ Leviathan _ , since leaving Bastila behind. She shook her head. “We can’t help her now. Not without the Star Forge.”

“Not so fast.” Carth held up a hand.

She closed her eyes.

“We've got a bigger issue to deal with here. They deserve to know the truth about you. Do you want to tell them what Malak said, or should I?”

“It’s my burden to bear, not yours,” she answered, squaring her shoulders and making sure to look each one of her beloved crew in the eyes. “My name isn’t Mara Tallee. My name is Revan.” Saying it aloud loosened a knot in her gut she didn’t know she had.

Silence.

Then Mission broke it. “Revan? What... what are you talking about? Is this some kind of joke?”

“No, it's no joke,” Carth said. “The Jedi Council captured Revan and erased the Dark Lord's mind, programming in a new identity. Saul Karath told me on the  _ Leviathan _ and Bastila confirmed it.”

“You're Darth Revan? This is... this is big. Do you... do you remember anything about being the Dark Lord?” Mission asked.

"Some," Revan admitted calmly, or maybe it was numbly. "I remember more from before that. She...I wasn't Darth Revan long but I suppose length of time isn't a good indicator for how many problems can be created."

No, she wasn't calm. She was definitely in shock.

“Just a few flashes? That's it? Nothing more?” MIssion asked. Revan shook her head. Mission looked around at the other members of the crew and then her body relaxed as she shrugged. “Then I don't think there's a problem. It seems to me that if you don't really remember anything about being Revan, then it doesn't really matter anymore. You are who you are now, right?”

“Of course it still matters!” Carth suddenly spat. “How do we know more memories won't come flooding back? How do we know Revan won't suddenly turn on us? The whole time we've been chasing after Malak we've had his old Sith Master right at our side; listening to our secrets; hearing our plans!”

Revan took a deep breath and slowly let it out. “Our objective still hasn’t changed,” she said. “We still need to stop Malak. I  _ want _ to stop Malak.”

Mission stepped in front of Carth, glaring up at him. Her blue lekku twitched. “I don't see the Sith Lord standing here, I see a friend who's been with us through thick and thin! Remember, Malak's the one who tried to destroy Taris!”

**_“I agree with Mission. I swore a life-debt to the person you are, not to the person you were,”_ ** Zaalbar growled, clenching one fist and putting it over his heart.

Mission looked over at the Wookie and grinned. “Big Z and I will stick by you. We owe you our lives. We won't desert you now!”

Carth frowned. “How can you say that, Mission? The Sith bombed my home world! Revan took away my family and destroyed my life!”

This time Revan did flinch. That was it then. Carth would never forgive her for something she couldn’t remember and honestly, she didn’t blame him.

Canderous grumbled, stepping forward for the first time, steel grey eyes locked onto Carth. “Everyone knows it was Malak who gave the order to attack your people, Carth. You can't blame Revan for that.”

Carth’s eyebrows raised, eyes flicking between the Mandalorian and Revan. “I... I suppose you've proven yourself to be a friend of the Republic by your actions so far... Revan. But can I trust you? Can any of us?”

That was certainly the question of the day. Knowing what she had done, even if she couldn’t remember doing those things, was an example of what she was capable of and even Revan had to admit that it could certainly be damning. Before, she’d deliberately gone again against the Jedi Council and the Jedi Code to go to war against the Mandalorians. There was something about Malachor V that was whispered about from before, during the Mandalorian War, but back when she thought she was Mara, she hadn’t cared enough at the time to, well, care. Then she’d disappeared and come back clearly set on conquering the galaxy. Granted, most of the research she’d done had been focused on Malak in the aftermath of Revan’s “death,” trying to get a feel for the man she knew she’d eventually have to face, but up until that point, Darth Revan and Darth Malak had been nearly inseparable. Still, she could say with a modicum of confidence which battles, which plans, had been Revan’s and which had been Malak’s because his were far and beyond bloodier than Revan’s near surgical precision.

She had some soul searching to do in between the running and the fighting and the saving the damn galaxy from a problem she’d created. Probably.

In the meantime, she needed to know where she stood with her friends and crew.

She turned to the most moderate of the group, the old former Jedi who had left for love. “Jolee? What about you?”

“What about me?” A small, knowing smile formed on the old man’s face. “I already knew who you were, though it wasn't my place to tell you. Better off that you know, if you ask me. Does it change anything? I'm not here to judge you. You'll do what you have to, and I'll help if I can.”

Revan shifted to face Canderous, who was watching her with something uncomfortably akin to awe, which made absolutely no sense considering she had, apparently, nearly destroyed his people. “Canderous?”

“You defeated the Mandalore clans in the war, Revan. You were the only one in the galaxy who could best us. We had never met one like you before, and never since. How can you even ask if I will follow you?” Her heart sank before he continued with a small shake of his head and an even quieter laugh. “Whatever you are fighting, it will be worthy of my skill. I'm your man until the end, Revan, no matter how this plays out.”

She blinked. “Seriously?”

“Of course.” And then Canderous dipped his head to her.

Wow.

She turned to the assassin droid that she’d become oddly fond of since picking him up on Tatooine. “What do you have to say, HK?”

For a moment, she heard a quiet whirr coming from the droid. “Commentary: I am... experiencing something unusual, master.”

Panic surged through her at the idea of something having gone wrong in the whole mess of the  _ Leviathan _ , followed closely by a dark fury. “Why? Are you okay? What’s happening?” She would  _ not _ lose another one of her friends, not to Malak.

HK sounded thoughtful as he spoke, “Answer: My programming is activating my deleted memory core. I believe I have a... a homing system that is restoring it, master.”

Oh. That was… “So this is the... stimuli you were waiting for?”

“Explanation: I believe so, master. I was unaware of my homing system until it had been activated.” HK paused. “It seems that the homing system deliberately restores my deleted memory core upon... upon returning to my original master.”

Revan stared at the rust colored droid and then started laughing. “You mean Revan? Revan built you?”

“Affirmation: Correct, master. Sith protocols maintain that all droid knowledge be deleted before assassination missions, and restored upon return. I have returned to you, and my full functionality is now under your personal command. It is a distinct pleasure to see you again, master.”

If nothing else, this actually proved that she was in fact Revan. HK was disturbingly violent but despite that, or apparently because of that, she’d had a deep fondness for the droid. “Well... that makes a lot of sense, actually.”

“Observation: Indeed. I do hope we shall have the chance to engage in combat together again soon, master.” HK sounded pleased.

“Wow. What are the chances of that happening?” Mission asked.

Canderous shrugged. “Remember we're talking about the Force, here. At this point Malak himself could drop out of the sky and I wouldn't bat an eyelash.”

“Let’s not give the Force any ideas,” Revan said quickly. “We just had that happen. I’m not keen on it happening again for a while.”

“Ooh, good idea.” Mission winced.

“T3?”

The little droid whistled cheerfully and Mission grinned. “I knew he’d come through for you. Droids don’t hold grudges.”

Revan turned back to Carth, bracing herself and trying not to show it. “Well, Carth? Will you stand with me against Malak?”

The pilot stared at her for a moment, then looked around at the others. She noticed that he skipped over Canderous and HK quickly. “Well, the others seem to trust you... and I don't see any other way that we can stop the Sith. And I suppose that Malak is the real enemy here.” He went quiet, jaw set in that way she’d learned meant he was thinking. “I really don't have any other choice, do I?” he asked softly.

“I won’t let you down, Carth,” Revan said, just as softly. She already had though and she wasn’t sure that they would be able to recover from this. As friends, perhaps. But he would probably never let her back into his bed or join her in hers again.

The gulf between them cracked further open.

“I want to believe you. You've proven yourself time and time again during our mission, but this is a little much for me to wrap my mind around.”

“You have to try, for Bastila's sake,” Revan reminded him. Bastila had been the one they’d both thought was more important and now, well, nothing and everything had changed.

Carth’s shoulders slumped and he looked at her. “This must be even more of a shock to you. I don't know how you even keep going. I guess we both just have to find a way to push forward.” After a moment, he straightened back up, going into soldier posture. Revan acknowledged its return when she hadn’t seen it directed at her in months and allowed herself to feel how much it hurt. “Don't worry. I won't let my personal feelings get in the way of my assignments or this mission,” he told her. His eyes narrowed. “But don't forget. I've sworn an oath to defend the Republic. As long as this mission stays on course I'll stick with you. But I won't let you betray the Republic under any circumstances.”

“I wouldn’t expect you to, Carth.”

Her acquiescence made him blink. “So I guess that's it then. We keep going. We've still got one more Star Map to uncover if we're going to find that Star Forge and save Bastila, so let's do it before it's too late.”

The crew returned to their usual places, all of them giving her looks that varied between thinly veiled hostility and open admiration. All of them except for T3, that is. He gently bumped up against her leg and chirped a question at her.

Revan patted him on the head. “You’re still my first droid, T3. I might have built HK but I remember meeting you first.”

T3 beeped cheerfully and rolled off.

Now, for the first time since discovering the truth about her past, Revan was alone with no immediate threat or confrontation. She replayed the encounter with Malak in her head and realized that he was right. She  _ had _ gotten slow. If it hadn’t been for Bastila’s interference, Malak probably would have killed her.

And she’d lost her lightsaber

Only...Revan realized that it wasn’t  _ her _ lightsaber. It had been a lightsaber she picked up along the way, always traded for others because none of them really felt right.

She knew that Jedi made their own lightsabers and she'd been expecting to do that later. Eventually. Sure, the ones she'd picked up from the dead Jedi she'd found and the dead fallen Jedi she'd killed were functional for their purpose but none of them were an extension of her arms the way her vibroblades had felt.

But if she built her own, then that would be like accepting who she was, truly. And  _ Revan _ had done so much, so much that she just could not remember.

She shook her head. She couldn't help her lack of memories. She couldn't  _ change _ what was already done. She couldn't do a lot of things.

But she could go back to Dantooine. She remembered being with the boy Malak had been, in a cave that shone like starlight from the kyber crystals.

Finding Carth sitting at the pilot's chair, co-pilot conspicuously empty, Revan just watched him for a moment.

He sat there, head in his hands. The light from the whooshing stars danced over his form, turning his hair and skin to silver.

Her heart ached. He'd lost his wife, his son, because of her. No, she hadn't been the one to give the order to fire, but she had been the catalyst, including the reason Malak fell. 

The few memories she had of the man she'd just met were enough to give her the impression that he would have followed her almost anywhere once upon a time. 

It was strange. She'd had her suspicions before that the Revan and Malak had been  _ together _ in a way that she didn't think Jedi could be but now she knew that she was the one from her dreams. It was rather surreal, not really remembering but having that certainty anyway and being the subject of that certainty. She almost slunk back to her quarters to avoid interrupting him but with Malak’s voice ringing in her ears, the thing Karath had said Malak had done joined the bigger revelation.

"Carth," she said.

He stiffened up, twisting to see her. "What do you want?"

Not as hostile as she would have expected. "How soon can you redirect our trajectory?"

Carth frowned. “What do you mean?”

“You heard Karath.” She took a deep breath. “He said that Malak destroyed the Jedi Enclave on Dantooine.”

“He was lying,” Carth said immediately.

“He didn’t lie about anything else,” Revan shot back, one dark eyebrow raised. “I need to see the consequences of my life.”

“But you didn’t destroy it. If it even is destroyed.”

“No? I don’t have any responsibility for it? I don’t know why exactly Malak ordered the fleet,”  _ her  _ fleet once, “to destroy Dantooine but do you really think that it didn’t have anything to do with me? He destroyed Taris because of Bastila, who had supposedly killed...me. Carth, now that I know what they are, I don’t have many memories of before, but nearly all of them had to do with him. If they’re any indication of what my past was, it was wrapped up in him.”

He flinched.

“I have to go to see for my own eyes. If it isn’t destroyed, then Karath was lying and we can all breathe a little easier. If it is…” she tried to speak and choked on the words. Clearing her throat, she continued, “I’m trying to figure out who I am, Carth. I’ve got fake memories and real memories and they’re all jumbled up together and I don’t know who I am anymore.” Horrifyingly, her voice thickened at that and she immediately stiffened up, ordering herself not to cry.

Carth searched her face for several long moments and as much as she wanted to blank her face, mask the pain, she didn’t. Not entirely, anyway. “Alright. We can go.”

Revan inhaled a sharp breath.

“But- I’m going with you. You’re… I can’t.”

And she understood. She’d understood him back on Taris when she was pestering him about his trust issues. And then she let out a snort as a smile grew on her face.

“What?”

“Oh, I was just thinking about Taris. You made it sound like you were suspicious that I’d had something to do with the attack on the  _ Spire _ , because I was new and somehow survived. Obviously, I didn’t but… I guess I did, huh?”

“Wow, Taris. That was a long time ago.”

“A lifetime.”

His smile was small, but present, and warmer than she’d hoped for.

“Carth?” she said.

“Hmmm?”

“Thank you for not turning your back on me immediately. I appreciate it more than you could ever know even though you have absolutely every right.”

The smile faded but there was still a spark of warmth in his eyes and she clung to the notion of that as he began to reroute to Dantooine.

Karath hadn’t been lying. The  _ Hawk _ had to be landed far outside of where the Enclave had been. 

And Revan wished her heart had broken at the sight.

The smell of ash and turbolaser fire was heavy in the air as she stood where the landing area had turned to rubble. The entire temple had been reduced to little more than melted stone and dust.

Quietly, carefully, she knelt, wincing as she put weight on her bruised knee but forcing herself to take the pain.

She took off her black glove and pressed her bare hand to the broken rock. Like an automatic reflex, she expanded her senses into the Force and bowed her head as the echoing fear and pain and death tore into her.

Carth would never understand. This  _ was _ her fault, even if she hadn't given the order herself.  _ Malak _ was her fault and she couldn't even remember creating him. 

She could sense Carth standing outside the Enclave's boundaries with Jolee. Carth had tried to protest but Jolee, bless that man, had taken him aside and said something to him. They were both leaving her alone, letting her witness this with only the ghosts and the ruins as companions.

Jolee hadn't been her first choice but Juhani had broken down into tears when those on the  _ Hawk _ got their first look at Malak's destruction.

Farther away, Revan could still feel the Cathar's grief boiling into the Force.

Revan had tried to be a Jedi twice. The first time, she fell or walked away into the Dark side of the Force. This second time, even before she left Dantooine, she'd been at best deliberately ignoring and at worst actively rejecting many of their principles.

If she were a better person, she would use this to become the Jedi the Masters had hoped she'd be. But she wasn't and she was quickly learning that maybe she had never been. If she had been, maybe she wouldn't have become Darth Revan in the first place.

She slowly sat and began to quiet her mind, entering a light meditation in the ruins. The problem was Malak, or rather what to do with him. He would have killed her had it not been for Bastila's intervention.

Carth, and the rest of the Republic, would want him dead, but was that the best way?

The Jedi existed to fight Sith but she wasn't a Jedi. She couldn't go to the good members of her crew with this question. As far as they were concerned, Malak would be brought to justice, which she knew would lead to his death.

Were her crimes not greater? Yet here she was, alive.

Alive because Bastila had saved her life when she didn't necessarily deserve it. 

The Jedi were using her to fight this war again, for all that they “adhered” to the philosophy of all life being valuable. Bastila had, despite the frosty ice queen exterior, proven to be a good Jedi because she actually acted on the Jedi ideals.

Those ideals had kept Revan alive as much as it didn’t really make sense.

Maybe this would be how she would prove to the dead Masters they hadn't misplaced their hope in her, however reluctant it had been.

She could pass Bastila's mercy on. She couldn't do the same thing the Council had. But if anyone could lead the way out of the Dark side, it would be someone who had already walked those paths. She'd brought Juhani back and they hadn't had the kind of bond that she and Malak had, even now after a year of her supposed death and his supposed betrayal, which she still wasn't sure about. Though, that bond might also be a hindrance. Either way, she owed it to Malak to at least try.

The other problem was that she didn't know enough about the Dark side to be able to do what she thought she would need to.

Her mind traveled to the last location of the star maps: Korriban and the Sith Academy. Where before the idea of having to travel to a planet so steeped in the Dark side had filled her with dread, now she was filled with a strong sense of peace and purpose. The Force would guide her and she would trust in the Force, all of it. Not just the dark. Not just the light. She would not limit herself to one when she could have the entirety of the Force as her ally. She wouldn’t be able to match Malak in this short amount of time otherwise.

Granted, that might not even be possible but she had to try. She had to stop Malak.

Revan opened her eyes to see that the sun had nearly set. Hours had passed but she stood with new understanding and new purpose, as well as an ache in the base of her spine she hadn’t been aware of.

She would face Malak again and she would not lose this time. But she also needed to understand why she had turned against the Republic in the first place, something that hadn’t even made sense when she didn’t know who she was. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is the first time I've never had a beginning note. Huh.  
> Next chapter is not relating to Korriban because I just don't want to deal with the implications of a Revan who can sort of remember but not really and also has to learn to embrace the dark side of the Force without falling into it. That right there is an entire story in and of itself and I was trying to keep this sucker short (I have one in a different fandom that is on chap 17 and I'm nowhere near to being done). Revan on Korriban might get told someday but for the time being, Korriban is not one of these nine.  
> Korriban is actually my favorite of the planets to go to, followed by Kashyyyk. Just some random trivia about me.


	5. Passion and Peace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Revan sees a reflection of what she was and could be

###  Chapter Five: Passion and Peace

Revan stood outside of the  _ Hawk _ , listening to her friends and crew squabble but sitting at the edge of her awareness were the twin beacons of Malak and Bastila, both rippling darkly through the Force and both calling a siren’s song to her. Their combined power turned dark was a whisper in her mind, telling her they could have no leader but her, that only her power could make them yield.

Yield? Maybe. That would be a better option than killing them. But she didn’t want to lead them as a Sith, nor did she think she could lead as a Jedi. Korriban had awakened more memories, of darkness and power, of the blackened veins on her face hidden by the mask. 

Bastila might have been on the planet, but Malak was not. Revan raised her head and looked to the sky and knew they knew she was near. The Force bound people together and, well, there weren’t three people more bound together than the three of them were. She probably called to them like they called to her. 

She was dimly aware of Jolee taking control of the conversation, as the wind caught her dark hair. She tucked a strand back behind her ear, out of her face. Carth looked at her as he started to walk away.

Something on his face pulled her out of her reflections and she joined him. “I think it's time we talked about me being Revan, don't you? Before this ends?”

There was a flicker of pain across his handsome features and he stopped and turned towards her. “If you're ready to talk, then yes... so am I.”

“And?”

He let out a hard breath, staring down at his boots. Revan waited patiently, knowing him. This conversation would be hard for him but this had been her way from the moment she woke up on Taris. “I can't hate you,” he finally admitted, looking back at her. “I tried... I wanted to hold you responsible for all the things you've done. For my... for my wife, for Telos... for Dustil. But I can't.”

She nodded and it didn’t do much to reveal the relief that burst through her. “I’m glad. Really. There are enough people who do hate me out in the world. I don’t- If you’d been one of them, this all would be so much harder.”

“I got the revenge I always wanted when Saul died, but it hasn't brought me the peace that I thought it would. All I can think of now is the promise I made to protect you from what's going to come. It's given me a reason to look past simple revenge,” he told her, voice rumbling. “You have a darkness inside you that must be Revan. But there's more to you, as well. I see it, I know it's there.”

“Everyone has a darkness to them. Mine is just...complicated.” Complicated was an understatement and from the look on his face, he knew that and agreed with it.

“That's why I can't hate you, why I don't want any more revenge. You don't have to be Revan, you can be so much more. Whatever the Jedi did to you, they gave you that chance.” He took her hand in his. That was the thing she’d always liked about him. She was tall for a woman, powerfully built, but her hands were small and delicate. And as he pulled off her glove, to have her bare skin against his, her hand absolutely vanished in his. He had found ways to make her feel like a woman  _ and _ a warrior. His thumb stroked the soft skin on the back of her hand, following a smooth scar she couldn’t remember getting. “You have this huge destiny waiting for you, and I just fear that if you're alone it could swallow you whole. I mean, is there room in there for me? Will you let me help you?” He looked back up at her and the warmth and hope in his dark eyes made her want to weep.

In fact, she choked up a little. “I don’t want you hurt protecting me,” she said quietly.

“I think I would be hurt worse if I didn't try.”

Her head tipped to the side. “I don’t understand. What do you mean?”

“Whatever's happened up until this point, there's going to come a time very soon where you're going to have to make a choice. And there won't be any turning back. I want you to make the right choice. I want to give you a reason to.”

_ Oh, Carth. _

From the moment she’d met him, he’d been suspicious and grumpy but responded to her flirting readily. She’d listened to him talk about his dead wife, about his son. She’d been at his side when the two Onasis reunited on Korriban, had convinced Dustil that joining the Sith would be a terrible mistake. He’d finally started to laugh with her, really laugh, even in bed, and she had been happy with him, until the  _ Leviathan _ . Until Saul and Malak.

“What sort of reason?”

“You gave me a future. I want to give you a future, too... with me. I think I could love you, if you give me the chance.”

After finding out about her forgotten past, the implications of everything, she had hoped for anything other than hate. This conversation was so much more than she’d imagined could possibly happen. Revan blinked back the tears that had suddenly welled up. “I can’t see into the future,” she said thickly. “I don’t know what’s going to happen.”

He smiled. “Neither do I. But does that really matter if we love each other?”

_ Love _ . Jedi were forbidden to have attachments. Sith had no need for them. And yet, here she was. She couldn’t stop the tear that dripped down her cheek this time and he frowned, reaching up with one of his hands, though keeping her hand firmly held in the other, to wipe the tear away. “I guess not.” She smiled shakily. “I think I could love you, too.”

He let go of her hand only to hold her face with both of his, to pull her in close and kiss her. She closed her eyes. For a moment, the call of Malak and Bastila’s combined power faded to the background. 

He pressed his forehead to hers and she opened her eyes to see his still closed. “Well, then,” he said, clearing his throat when he choked a little on the words. He opened his eyes. “I'm... I'm glad. Let's... let's face the future together, then. There's still a lot to do.”

He  _ was _ happy. She could see it reflected in the scrunched up lines beside his eyes, could feel it washing against her in the Force. She linked her hand with his and gave it a squeeze before letting it go and looking up to the sky. She’d told him that she couldn’t see into the future, and that was mostly the truth. But right now she couldn’t shake the awful feeling that she was going to break his heart.

* * *

At the top of the Temple, Revan knew what was coming for them before Bastila turned around, her black robes swishing around her legs. Revan couldn’t help it, she inhaled sharply at the yellow glow in the Padawan’s eyes, the dark bruises around those eyes.

Behind her, Jolee froze with a murmured curse.

Juhani tightened her grip on her lightsaber.

Revan didn’t take her eyes off Bastila, didn’t go for the vibroblades she’d been using in place of lightsabers since she’d built her new ones on Korriban. She didn’t know what color they were, hadn’t even looked at them in private on the trip over. 

After Korriban, she didn’t really want to know.

“Revan,” Bastila greeted, customary rasp to her voice that signaled a fall to the dark side, “I knew you'd come for me. Malak thought you might be afraid to enter the Temple again, but he doesn't know you like I do. Not anymore. Not since you've changed.”

“Quickly, Bastila, come with us! We have to escape before Malak arrives!” Juhani begged, taking a step forward.

Revan held out a hand as Bastila began to laugh. “Escape? You don't understand. I have sworn allegiance to Lord Malak and the Sith; I am no longer a pawn of the Jedi Council.”

Revan’s heart sank. She had come to the same realization in the ruins of Dantooine, but she hadn’t been tortured. Malak was persuasive, she knew that. He had been her voice long before the mask was put on if her memories were true. “Bastila.”

“Surely you know what I mean, Revan. Look at what the Council did to you; they turned you into their puppet. The same thing they do to all who are truly strong in the Force.”

“Bastila, there is a reason why they call the dark side corrupting,” Revan said, face stony.

“The Jedi speak of the dark side as if it was something to be feared. But in reality their only goal is to manipulate those who are strong in the Force. The fear of the dark side is a tool to maintain control,” Bastila scoffed, striding confidently back and forth. The movement looked too much like Malak for Revan’s comfort. “Why do you think the Jedi forbid you and Malak from joining the Mandalorian Wars? They knew you would realize your true potential and break free of their domination. Malak has shown me how the Jedi Council have been using me the same way they once tried to use you. They've been holding me back because they knew one day I would surpass them all.”

Revan raised an eyebrow. “It didn’t take long to convert you, did it Bastila? It’s not too late. You can still come back.” She had to try but she was not the persuasive one. She’d never been the persuasive one.

“I resisted at first,” Bastila told her. For a moment she sounded like a lost child but then the rasp returned. “I endured the Sith torments with the passionless serenity of a true Jedi, emptying my mind. But after a week of endless tortures I finally saw the truth. Malak forced me to acknowledge my anger and pain. He showed me the liberating power of these emotions. Then he made me see how the Jedi Council has denied me what is mine by right! The Jedi Council gladly used my Battle Meditation in their wars, but they still treated me like a child, like an inferior. They were jealous of my power of what I could become! They wanted me to bow and call them Master and follow their Code and obey their every order. But all the while they were exploiting my Battle Meditation for their own use!”

The Padawan would never listen, not as long as she still thought Revan was weak. That was the lesson she’d relearned on Korriban.  _ Fine _ . She shook her head, playing at the disapproving Master. “Bastila, you’re still blind.”

Anger surged into the Force, making Juhani flinch, but Revan just stood her ground.

“I pity you,” Bastila said through clenched teeth. “I almost wish you could see things as I do now. I wish you could join me and taste true power once again. Sadly, I doubt you are even capable any longer.”

Revan opened herself up to the Force fully, letting it flood through her and Bastila took a clearly involuntary step back, eyes widening. “I am Revan, the Dark Lord of the Sith. You  _ will _ bow to me, Bastila.”

As expected, Bastila puffed up like an angry lothcat, a sneer on her lovely face. “You used to be Revan, Master of the Sith, but no longer. You are simply a pawn of the Jedi Council and the Republic they serve, like I was until Malak freed me from their shackles!”

“I’ve been to Dantooine. The Enclave there, your former home, is in ruins.”

“You went back?” Bastila shook her head. “It’s a real pity the power you once had is so diluted in you. You could have been strong as I am now, stronger, even. But that will never happen now.” Bastila pulled out her lightsaber, double-hilted.

Revan tensed. “Jolee, Juhani, stay back,” she said, eyes on Bastila. “This is my fight.”

“But-” Juhani protested.

“No.”

Bastila spread her arms wide, ridiculously since she was leaving herself open to attack. “With the power of the Star Forge Malak will destroy the Republic and conquer the galaxy. And I will be the apprentice at his side, after I prove my worth by killing you!”

With that, Bastila leaped, glowing red blades extending with a hiss. Revan called her lightsabers from her belt and switched them both on, catching the red blade between two purple ones with hilts of beskar and doonium. Bastila’s wide eyes met hers. Clearly, she had been expecting the old blade, one of the ones that had never fit quite right.

These were Revan and Revan was them. As Bastila backed away to reevaluate, Revan extinguished one to hook it back on her belt.

Bastila’s fear began to bleed into the Force. Revan’s lip curled and she began to dance with the Force. Bastila had been fast before she turned, was faster now, but against Revan it was like she was standing still. More than that, Revan was steadily pulling on Bastila’s lightsaber, demanding it come to her.

After a couple of quick blows, Revan’s lightsaber came a hair’s breadth to Bastila’s face, nearly clipping her jaw, and then she was shoved back as Bastila Pushed her away.

“You are stronger than I would have thought possible, after what the Jedi Council did to you,” Bastila panted. “Seems that Malak was wrong. The power of the dark side is not lost to you after all, Revan.” 

“I do not serve the dark side anymore, Bastila,” Revan replied, standing straight and tall.

“You can deny what you are, Revan, but you are only fooling yourself. I know the truth. I have seen the shadows inside your mind. Remember: I was there when you nearly died in the trap set by the Jedi Council. I used the Force to preserve your life, Revan. We are forever linked by my actions on that bridge!”

Everything always came back to her near death. And Bastila was right. Their bond still existed though it seemed to be bleeding through the Force from this ordeal. But Revan could sense now that the Padawan had not yet been fully overtaken by the dark side. “That is how I know you will come back toward the light.”

Bastila snarled, “The Council tried to exploit the bond between us. They hoped I would draw out your memories to lead them to the Star Forge. We were slaves to their will, like all who follow the Jedi Code! But in our shared visions of the Star Maps, I also felt the so-called taint within you. I resisted it at first, but now I embrace the power of the dark side, your dark side!”

Here, then, was another of her failures. The Sith Lord’s memories in Revan’s dreams had bled through to Bastila, creating a weakness where before there may not have been one. She closed her eyes briefly. “Learn from my mistakes,” she said, sounding too tired even to her own ears. “It is not too late to come back to the light.”

“Mistakes?” Bastila shook her head. “No, Revan, the only mistake you are making is the one you are making now! You deny yourself the power that is yours by right! Only now do I realize how strong you are.”

This was what she’d been hoping for and yet the triumph tasted like ash. She had to keep pushing, had to show Bastila what the teenager was now expecting to see. “If I am so powerful, then why do you serve another master?”

“You deserve to be the true Master of the Sith, not Malak. I see this now. Together we can destroy your old apprentice. Join with me and reclaim your lost identity!” Bastila stepped closer.

“I don’t even remember those days.” But she did. Not entirely but enough to know the seductive nature of the dark side and the too bright form of the light.

“Your mind was too badly damaged to ever fully restore your memories, Revan. But your power, your strength of will, the essence of who and what you are: these things still remain! Once long ago you defied the Jedi Council, freeing yourself from their control. You claimed your rightful title of Dark Lord of the Sith. Together we can defeat Malak and take back what is yours!”

“I didn’t defy the Jedi Council because I wanted power. I already had it.” She might not be able to remember much but even based solely on her actions since her mind wipe, she knew that she did not make decisions for power. If she was supposed to be the purest version of Revan, then the Dark Lord of the Sith hadn’t been any different.

“It is your power that will keep me as your loyal apprentice, Revan. I swore allegiance to Malak only because I thought you had lost the power you once wielded. But you have proven yourself in our battle; I see you possess the strength to destroy Malak and reclaim the mantle of Dark Lord. Now I see you will make a worthy Sith Master.”

Revan didn’t respond at first, too long because Juhani spoke up, “A true Jedi will never bow down to the Sith. If this is your decision I have no choice but to do battle against you.”

“Juhani, you would lose,” Revan said, not turning to look at the Cathar.

“I know.”

“Listen to me, the dark side leads to death and destruction. I've seen the horrors the Sith have unleashed on the galaxy. Turn away from this path,” Jolee pleaded.

Behind her, she heard the warbling hiss of an ignited lightsaber. 

Revan closed her eyes briefly.  _ Choices. _ “I don’t want to rule the galaxy,” she told Bastila. “And I don’t want you to be this way.”

She watched understanding blossom on the fallen Jedi’s face. “You are a pathetic fool, Revan!” Bastila snarled as she backed away. “Together we could have defeated Malak and ruled over an Empire, but now I will be at Lord Malak's side instead! You will be crushed with the Republic and all the fools who bow down to the Jedi Council! No one can stand against the power of the Star Forge and the Sith fleet!” She fled west.

Revan held a hand up as both Jedi with her advanced. They slid to a halt. “You’re letting her just...go?” Juhani asked, voice tight.

“Yes.” Revan looked up towards the sky again, fruitlessly searching where she could sense Malak. “I won’t be able to convince her here. My path, and hers, leads back to Malak.”

“You resisted,” Jolee said.

Revan turned to him. Juhani had been the one to ignite her lightsaber. His remained at his side. She arched an eyebrow. “You doubted me?”

“For a moment there, yes.”

“If Korriban couldn’t get me to fall, Bastila won’t. Bond or no bond.”

“What are you going to do with her?” Juhani asked, voice small. She still hadn’t deactivated her lightsaber.

“Repay her for her mercy towards me. She wouldn’t be in this mess if she hadn’t saved me.” Revan shook her head. “We need to get back to the  _ Hawk _ and leave. Yesterday.”

Finally, the hum of Juhani’s lightsaber vanished.

Revan looked up at the sky again.  _ I’m coming for you, Malak. One way or another, this ends. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I imagine this Revan to be incredibly lucky but also clumsily bumbling her way through her ideas, hoping things go as...well, hoped. The luck helps.  
> Luck stat at 10.
> 
> Also, super sorry that this didn't get published when it should. I completely lost track of what day it was.


	6. The Importance of Being Revan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the final confrontations occur, and Revan has to make a choice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Six chapters and we finally get to the true canon divergence. Yup.

###  Chapter Six: The Importance of Being Revan

Revan was struck by a strong sense of deja vu as she stepped into the command deck of the Star Forge only to come face to face with Bastila. Here, in this place, with the dark side demanding, Revan had to watch her actions to avoid being pulled down that path once more. 

She was more shocked at the Padawan's appearance, at the change in even the short amount of time. Bastila looked  _ ill _ .

“Revan,” she said, voice harsh. “I knew you'd come for me.”

“I'll never give up on you, Bastila. I know you can still be saved.”

“You are wasting your time. I have seen the Jedi for what they are: weak and afraid. The Sith are the true Masters of the Force. You have forgotten that lesson, Revan.”

“Canderous,” Revan said, shifting into a battle stance.

“Right. HK, back up.”

“Warning: The meatbag does not give me orders.”

“HK, back up,” Revan ordered. “Do not interfere.”

“Statement: Of course, master. I look forward to your victory over the simpering meatbag.”

Bastila snarled at that and lunged.

Revan parried, dancing around the Padawan. Their lightsabers clashed again and again, the hums intensifying and breaking.

Revan wanted to open up to the Force but she didn’t dare do it fully, not with the influence of the Star Forge surrounding her. It was why she’d left Jolee and Juhani behind with the  _ Hawk _ . She’d been on planets heavy with the light side of the Force but they hadn’t felt nearly as oppressive as this place did. The Star Forge was out of balance and the press against her in the Force felt like a weight in her stomach.

Bastila, feeding off of the darkness,  _ was _ stronger here but she was being blinded. Eventually she backed off, panting, eyes narrowed. “I see now why Malak followed you. Even though you are only a shell of your former self, you are still a formidable opponent. I can't even imagine the power you must have wielded when you were the Dark Lord. You were a fool to give it all up and follow the light side.” Her lightsaber crackled menacingly.

Revan shook her head. “You've been consumed by the dark side, Bastila. Can't you see it's destroying you?”

“The dark side has made me stronger than I ever was before! I have a greater command of the Force than all but the most powerful Jedi Masters. As Malak teaches me the greatest secrets of the Sith, I will unlock more of my potential. Eventually there will be no limit to what I can accomplish with the Force!”

If Revan told her what she suspected about balance in the Force being stronger than either light or dark, Bastila would see that as being proven right. She had to get through to her. “You will accomplish death and destruction with the dark side, nothing else.”

“Jedi propaganda.” Bastila twisted her lightsaber around. “The dark side is only a tool, and Malak will train me in its use. Eventually I will surpass my Master and challenge him. If I am worthy he will die by my hand. Then I will take on my own apprentice and the cycle will begin again. This is the way of the Sith, it is how we assure our leaders are always the strongest and most worthy!”

“You're dooming yourself to an endless cycle of death and betrayal. That is the way of the Sith.”

“No, Revan, it is you who are doomed!”

Revan couldn’t indulge the powerful urge to leap first, even though she risked Bastila getting a lucky stroke in at the start.

Through their bond, as Revan blocked a particularly fast series of blows, Revan felt a surge of hatred. For just a moment, she faltered. Bastila pressed into her, their lightsabers scant inches from Revan’s face. “You are growing weary. I can sense it!” Bastila said over the sounds of their lightsabers. “Your strength falters, the light side is failing you while the power of the Star Forge re-energizes me! Soon this will all be over!”

Revan stared into Bastila’s yellowed eyes, remembering the yellow lightsaber. As part of the crash course on Dantooine, she’d memorized the crystal colors and she knew that yellow was almost always the color of guardians.  _ That _ was what Bastila had been.

And Revan had one last chance.

With a snarl of effort, she threw Bastila back but before Bastila could re-engage, Revan deactivated her lightsaber. “Then strike me down, Bastila. I won't defend myself.”

Bastila stopped, watching her warily. “What type of trick is this?”

“Remember what you once were, Bastila. A Jedi would never strike down a defenseless opponent.”

“I am a Sith apprentice now. You place too much faith in what I used to be... and for that you shall pay!”

Now Revan could feel the former Padawan’s desperation. Her lightsaber remained deactivated, true to her word, and now, without a weapon in her hands, she trusted that she could open herself up to the Force fully.

The first true taste of the Force around the Star Forge made her feel cold and dead but she pushed through, pulling at the life of everyone. There was enough, just enough that she could  _ find _ balance and she used that to neatly and easily sidestep each swing of Bastila’s lightsaber and with each swing, she could feel Bastila’s frustration grow until finally the fallen Jedi threw down her lightsaber. The weapon clattered on the metal floor of the command deck, extinguished. 

Bastila looked up at her, breathing hard, and seeming smaller than Revan had ever seen her, desperate, uncertain. “No, this is not possible! You have rejected the dark side. You are a weak and pathetic servant of the light! How can you still stand against me? Why can't I defeat you?”

“Because the dark side isn’t the most powerful,” Revan replied simply.

Bastila paused. Revan just stood there, letting her think but continuing to be the gateway for the Force. She knew Malak would be able to feel it, knew that she was making herself a bigger target, but she had to get something to bleed through the bond that had been forged between her and Bastila. “Yes, I see you speak the truth. I am no match for you.” Bastila’s shoulders slumped.

“I think you got lucky before, if my dream memories can be trusted.” Revan stepped so that she was standing over Bastila. She shook her head as a memory ripped itself free.

_ A Mandalorian had fallen at her feet, spear broken, breathing hard from the fight. She could hear cheers and smell the stink of battle, blood and sweat and dirt. Beneath her mask, her face was impassive. Alek’s worry and utter relief caught her attention rippling through the Force before she leaned down to hear what the Mandalorian was murmuring. When he finished, she tilted her head, nodded, and with one lightning quick strike, decapitated the Mandalorian with her blue-glowing lightsaber. _

Bastila was speaking when Revan blinked back to the present. That was something to think about...not right now. “-what we once shared, do not make me suffer. End my life quickly. There is no other way.”

“No,” Revan disagreed. “I don’t want to kill you and so I won’t.”

“What other choice do you have? I have fallen to the dark side, I am the apprentice to the Dark Lord himself. You cannot let me live.”

Revan couldn’t stop the snort that escaped. “Your choices choose your consequences. You can  _ choose _ whichever side you want.”

“No,” Bastila shook her head. “I'm not strong enough. There is too much anger inside me now. Too much hatred and fear. I can no longer find peace in the Force.”

Revan’s head tilted to the side. “How many days have you spent meditating with me on the Jedi Code?”

“What?”

“The Jedi Code. You know it as well or better than I do.”

“I don’t-”

Revan blinked.  _ Just a little more of a push. Alek would have managed this so much faster. _ “You’re telling me that you don’t remember the Jedi Code? Even I remember it and I’ve been brainwashed.”

Bastila stopped, eyebrows pulling together. “I doubt mere words can help me now, but to appease you I will recite them.” Bastila started by biting the words out but as she continued, she slowed down and Revan felt the swell of the Light side within her. “There is no emotion; there is peace. There is no ignorance: there is knowledge. There is no passion; there is serenity. There is no chaos; there is harmony.” Bastila paused. “Strange, but even now I find comfort in these words. I... suppose old habits die hard. There is no death; there is the Force.” Bastila let out a slow breath. “Thank you, Revan. I am ready to face my fate now.”

Revan shook her head, stifling a groan. “Bastila, you aren’t hearing what I’m saying. I  _ was _ the  _ Dark Lord _ of the Sith and the Jedi Council let me live.”

“You were a special case. The Council had no other choice. They needed you alive so they could discover the location of the Star Forge. It was an act of desperation. It was my responsibility to watch over you, to make sure you did not slip back into your evil ways. I was supposed to protect you from the Dark side.”

Revan sat down next to Bastila, holding a hand out when she felt Canderous start to approach. He stopped and she settled in, mimicking their meditation sessions. “You can't protect someone from the dark side. Each individual must choose their own path.”

She could bring Bastila back to the light, but that was not her own path to walk. She understood that now, after Korriban and thinking back on the path she’d already tread once before to get here. Her path and Juhani’s path and Bastila’s path were all different.

“I... I suppose you are right.” Bastila connected with her easily, slipping back into their familiar routine now that she was open to it. “Yet the path I have chosen is that of the dark side. I don't see any way I could atone for what I have done. I deserve to die.”

“Perhaps. But the dark side isn’t all you have now. There is still light within you.”

Bastila exhaled slowly. “You are brave... and some would say foolish. But you are also right. The dark side has not wholly consumed me. I cannot raise my blade against you.” Bastila stood and held her hand out. It didn’t shake.

Revan accepted it and let herself be pulled back to her feet. When Bastila gripped her forearm and looked up into her eyes, Revan was pleased to see that the darkness had faded from them. She had chosen her path. Revan had repaid her debt. The Sith would lose.

“You should go. Malak awaits. This isn't over, yet. For any of us.” Bastila hesitated. Revan caught the tail end of desire and reluctance from their bond. “I should stay here, though. If we face Malak I am afraid his dark presence will overwhelm me. It would not be wise to expose myself to such temptation.”

“Agreed. You need time away from the dark side to recover. But the Republic still needs your help, if you’ll give it.”

_ Alek would have gotten through to her sooner _ .

Bastila gave her a strange look and Revan realized that for the first time, possibly since Bastila could remember, she had been given full control over her decisions. A face flicked through her memory, foggy but round-faced with youth. She didn’t know who the teenager was, could only assume she was someone else that she had given choices to. Bastila straightened up and called her lightsaber to her side, hooking it onto her belt. “I can stay here in this chamber and use my Battle Meditation to aid the Republic fleet. I am their only hope of destroying the Star Forge and ending the Sith menace. You must go and face Malak, but you have to hurry. Once I turn the battle in the Republic's favor we won't have much time to escape the Star Forge before it is destroyed.”

“Thank you, Bastila.” Revan took a steadying breath and felt the Force around her ripple. “Good luck.”

“Good luck, Revan,” Bastila said. “And may the Force be with you.”

“May the Force be with you, Bastila.”

As Bastila sat down, Revan turned to Canderous and HK. The Mandalorian looked...proud and disappointed at the same time. Revan exhaled slowly. “I need you both to stay here and watch over her.”

“Query: Will I be able to slay meatbags or droids?”

The edge of her mouth curled into a smile. “Follow Canderous’s lead. Canderous, anything not part of the Republic is fair game. Unless the meatbag or droid is surrendering. I doubt that will happen. Bastila will...probably be able to feel the outcome of my upcoming fight. If something goes wrong, then you need to get her out of here and keep her safe.”

“Do you think you’ll lose?” he asked.

“No. But it’s a possibility. I can’t account for everything that could possibly happen. I lost to Bastila, after all, back at what many consider the height of my power, even you, Canderous. And don’t argue with me. I know I’m not what you expected from Revan.”

“Don’t make this sound like a goodbye. Revan defeated the Mandalore and all the Mandalorians. You can defeat a Sith Lord who was your apprentice.”

The smile on her face was obvious now. Canderous had faith in her no matter what. She nodded. “Thanks, Ordo.”

“Don’t thank me. Just beat Malak.”

She stopped to squeeze his shoulder and tuck an exposed wire back into place on HK. And then she continued on to a hangar. She didn’t bother with the other doors, heading directly for the one she could sense Malak behind. The door opened and then she could see him, him and the two choking Jedi, their lightsabers at their feet as they reached up to claw at their throats. 

Malak threw his lightsaber at the one on the right, not quite taking the man’s head off entirely, and then he extended a hand to the Jedi on the left. Lightning erupted from his fingers, triggering another memory. Revan winced and shook her head to shove the memory of him doing that to another Jedi with the intent to turn, not kill, ignoring the way the show of power made her catch her breath.

He turned, the yellow glow of the Star Forge’s lights glinted off his metal jaw. He glanced down to where the kyber crystal hung exposed on the outside of her dark robes. “I tire of this game, Revan. You have been a thorn in my side from the moment I seized the mantle of Dark Lord from your feeble grasp!” he snarled.

Revan arched an eyebrow. “You do realize that I didn’t actually die, right? So I should technically still be the Dark Lord.”

Malak shook his head. “You made a mistake coming here, Revan. The Star Forge fuels my command of the dark side. You are no match for me here. And this time you will not escape!”

“I’m not going to escape, Malak. Surrender and I will make sure you are shown mercy.”

“Is that what you call it? You think stripping away your power and your identity was an act of mercy, Revan? I would rather die!”

“I don’t think that was mercy. I think they saw a way to use me as a pawn and they took it. But you aren’t the only Jedi to have fallen and be raised out of the darkness.”

“Spoken like a true slave of the Jedi code. Save your preaching, Revan. I will have none of it!”

“Alek-”

“ _ Don’t _ call me that.” He leveled his lightsaber at her. “Not you. Not ever.”

Her eyes narrowed. “You think I’m a slave of the Jedi code? I remember more than they ever wanted me to but mostly I remember you. We  _ rebelled _ against the Jedi, together, to do something that we knew was right. And I stand by that decision, Alek.”

He flinched at the sound of his former name. “You are an insignificant speck beneath my notice. I have surpassed you in every way and accomplished what you never could. I have unleashed the full potential of this Rakatan factory! You had no idea of the power within this place! Its very walls are alive with dark side energies! And now, my old master, I will let the Star Forge itself destroy you!”

As he walked away, Revan called after him, “You know that won’t kill me, Alek!” She turned, seeing the droids advance, and she smiled, lightsaber casting a purple tinge across her face as it blazed to life in her hands.

The viewing platform sent a cold chill up her spine. From here, she could feel what many would call evil trying to attach itself to her. But she knew that after Korriban, this would not have been enough to turn her to the dark side. No, that was something else. The room was dark, the only lights coming from the floor. Well, not the only light. Her lightsaber illuminated the area around her and the kyber crystal around her neck had a faint glow to it too. She reached up to hold onto it comfortingly when she saw Malak standing with his back to her, hands clasped behind him. The view was impossibly familiar and it triggered another memory.

_ Alek stood there, at the edge of the war tent, looking out at the troops. She smiled and sidled up behind him, doing nothing to mask her presence in the Force before she slid her hands around his waist and pressed a gentle kiss to his robed shoulder. _

_ “You should come to bed with me,” she said, voice soft. _

_ “That’s a change,” he said, amusement evident as he turned in her hold. He smiled and bent just a little to kiss her nose. “Normally I’m the one trying to get you to sleep.” _

_ “I’ve taken care of as much as I can. I’ve tried to plan with contingencies for my contingencies. Tomorrow will determine the end of the war and I would like to give myself the best chance of sleep.” _

_ “Even with the nightmares?” _

_ “Even with the nightmares. Please, Alek?” _

_ The glint in his eyes turned from amusement to want. “Anything for you, Rev.” _

She stood there for a moment, feeling her heart breaking. How had they gone from that to this?

As she stepped off the elevator, he turned. For a moment, she caught his surprise in the Force. “Well done, Revan. I was certain the defenses of the Star Forge would destroy you, but I see there is more of your old self in you than I expected. You are stronger than I thought; stronger than you ever were during your reign as the Dark Lord. I did not think that was possible.”

“I wasn’t using the whole Force when I was the Dark Lord. I was weaker then, and so are you now.”

“I am tempted to try and capture you alive, Revan.” The amusement in his voice hurt, even though it was filtered through the modulator. “Then I could break your will and bind you to me as my apprentice, as I did Bastila. You would be a far greater asset to me than even Bastila and her Battle Meditation, if I could control you. But is it worth the risk? Perhaps you are too powerful to be my apprentice. I betrayed you when I realized my own strength was greater than yours; in time you might try to do the same to me.”

“You could try but you would fail.”

“Because you think you are above the darkness? Foolish words. The darkness and the light wage a constant war within you. The balance is tipped one way now, but it can easily be tipped back. Savior, conqueror, hero, villain. You are all things Revan and yet you are nothing. In the end you belong to neither the light nor the darkness. You will forever stand alone.”

Revan lowered her lightsaber and walked up to him, each step quietly echoing around the platform. “I know,” she said simply.

Uncertainty flicked across his face, well, the parts she could see, the parts not obscured by the metal prosthesis. “You know?”

“I’ve had a lot of time to think since you told me the truth. A lot to learn, even more to relearn. The Jedi would never accept me back in their ranks. Others, maybe. But I’ve done too much and I wasn’t a good Jedi before I became  _ Darth _ Revan. You’d be able to tell me better.”

“I won’t, Revan.”

“I know that too. I also know that you’re making a mistake.”

“A mistake?”

“The mistake of underestimating me, Alek.”

“I cannot deny your resilience. You survived my first betrayal, thanks to Bastila's interference. You escaped the destruction of Taris and you escaped me on the Leviathan. You even survived my attempt to destroy you with the Star Forge itself. Fate and destiny have conspired to keep you alive despite all my efforts.”

He pulled out his lightsaber without igniting it. For a moment, the only sound was the hum of hers.

“Fate and destiny, huh?” She tilted her head to the side. “I think it’s the Force.”

Shadows gathered above one of his eyebrows where it creased. “Perhaps. We have been inexorably pushed to this final confrontation, Revan. I see now that this can only be settled when one of us destroys the other.”

_ ‘Anything for you, Rev.’ _ She raised her lightsaber up in front of her face.

The muscles next to his eyes twitched and he ignited his and followed suit. “Once again we shall face each other in single combat. And the victor will decide the fate of the galaxy!”

They brought their lightsabers down at the same time.

And then red met purple with a crackling hiss.

This fight felt more familiar than the last one and she could only assume it was because she remembered more.

And he was tiring. The dark side of the Force was burning through him too strongly. Until she saw him look to the side, their sabers pressed together, and she followed his eyes. 

Horror broke through her. He had Jedi trapped in electrical cages hidden underneath the platform she’d arrived in, where she wouldn’t have seen them immediately. “You continue to amaze me, Revan. If only you had been the one to uncover the true power of the Star Forge you might have become truly invincible. But you were a fool.”

“No, I wasn’t.”

She knew what he was about to do, and she couldn’t let him do it. As she felt him reaching for the Jedi to steal their remaining energy though she could barely feel them in the Force, she reached out too.

She’d only tried this once, on Korriban. Uthar had been torturing Yuthura for turning against him and something inside of Revan had snapped. She’d ripped into the Force, breaking his grip on Yuthura, but she’d been left on her knees for several precious seconds.

And now, seconds could prove fatal but if she didn’t… She had to stop him. “Alek, no!” she screamed as she grabbed onto his very familiar Force presence and snapped into it, all at once surrounded by the distinct timbre of his Force energy and the maelstrom of his emotions.

His grip faltered long enough for the energy barriers to vanish and the Jedi to fall to the floor, their presence fading immediately.

She dropped to her knees, bowing her head as she fought to recover her strength. Malak stumbled back and she realized they were still connected.

She didn’t realize he had been so drained during their fight because he fell, wheezing. And the effort of breaking his grip had weakened her more than it had for Uthar. She stared at him, chest heaving.

“Im-” he coughed, breaking off the word, “impossible. I... I cannot be beaten. I am the Dark Lord of the Sith.”

She shook her head, extinguishing her lightsaber. “This is the way of the dark side, Malak: all things end in death.”

“Still,” he coughed again, the sound rattling in her ears, “still spouting the wisdom of the Jedi, I see. Maybe there is more truth in their code than I ever believed.”

“No, Malak, not the wisdom of the Jedi. Light and darkness, life and death. They’re balance together. The Jedi and the Sith forget that.”

“And you remember?”

She didn’t stop looking at him, even as another memory of him laughing on Dantooine with sunlight in his golden hair as he turned to look at her, laid over top of the present. “I remember everything I’ve learned since they wiped me. I wasn’t lying when I said that most of my memories were about you. I think my  _ life _ was about you, before.”

He made a soft sound, maybe a laugh. “I... I cannot help but wonder, Revan. What would have happened had our positions been reversed? What if fate had decreed I would be captured by the Jedi? Could I have returned to the light, as you did?” He coughed. She could feel him fading in the Force, and could feel the kyber crystal around her neck shiver in response. “If you had not led me down the dark path in the first place, what destiny would I have found?”

A tired smile curved her mouth. “I am sorry I started you on this path. ‘Anything for you, Rev.’”

He twitched and for a moment, utter heartbreak tore through him and into her where they were still linked at the reminder of what he’d said to her. She wondered what she didn’t remember.

“I can’t regret that, even now.”

The platform shuddered underneath them. “We chose our paths. You could have stepped off of yours.”

“Could I? I suppose... I suppose you speak the truth. I alone must accept responsibility for my fate. I wanted to be Master of the Sith and ruler of the galaxy. But that destiny was not mine, Revan.” He coughed and even that sounded weaker. “It might have been yours, perhaps... but never mine. And in the end, as the darkness takes me, I am nothing.”

“Never nothing, Alek.” She pulled one of her gloves off with her teeth, to take his hand in hers. She could let him die. She could let him die and everyone would name her a hero for slaying their greatest enemy, for fixing her mistake.

But his death wouldn’t fix the mistakes he’d made, nor would it entirely erase hers or the ones they’d made together.

So, as she felt him slipping away, she opened to the Force, all of it, the light and the dark. His eyes blinked open as she did and she could see the awe in those too blue eyes. “Beautiful,” he whispered through the modulator, reaching up for her face before his arm went limp.

Once more, she grabbed onto his energy and she held it, giving of herself enough that he would not die yet.

But she overestimated how much energy she had. She hadn’t meant to give that much, even then; her instinct for self-preservation was too strong. 

“Revan!”

She blinked blearily, swaying a little where she knelt. That sounded like Canderous but it couldn’t be him. She looked up to see the Mandalorian slide into place beside her, holding her face with his hands. He said something that she couldn’t quite hear but she pointed to Malak. “ _ Ebon Hawk _ ,” she croaked.

“I’m not bringing him and leaving you.”

She blinked, reaching out for where Canderous glowed in the Force. He jerked when she connected. Immediately, she felt better, stronger.

Until she realized what she was doing and immediately pulled away from him. “I’m not leaving him either so unless you bring him, none of us are getting out of the Forge.”

Cancerous laughed, shook his head. “You’re something, Revan.”

She nodded tiredly as he released her to pick up Malak, no, Alek, but got to her feet nonetheless.

Around her neck, the kyber crystal glowed brighter than she’d ever seen it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to thank everyone who's been reading this. Really. Thank you to anyone who started when I uploaded the first chapter and thank you to everyone who has come along on the journey.  
> And yes, it did take me this long to get to the point but I just can't make any sort of AU without having it grounded and without proving why the change makes sense. So I do apologize for that.
> 
> As a side note, if you can ever see 'The Importance of Being Earnest' on stage, go see it. One of my favorite plays. I highly recommend it. It's very funny.


	7. The Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Revan has to deal with some of the fallout of her decisions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Late posting again, hopefully it's long enough to be a good apology. This past weekend has been a little insane.

###  Chapter Seven: The Aftermath

Revan paced outside of the medical quarters of the  _ Hawk _ . Jolee was in there, trying to keep Alek alive. She’d done all she could and it was apparently a miracle he’d survived in the first place. That didn’t do much to appease her but since she couldn’t do  _ anything _ to fix this problem, she just had to delegate and wait and she  _ hated _ waiting.

Carth was avoiding her, which made her intensely uncomfortable given their conversation on the beach. Bastila was avoiding her.

Juhani wasn’t avoiding her but given the wide eyes the Cathar had every time she saw Revan, something had changed in their relationship. 

Mission and Zaalbar were, predictably, not caring that she had done the impossible and brought back not only the very shaken up Bastila but also the war criminal Malak. Revan refused to address him as such.

_ She’d _ been avoiding Canderous after what she did to him on the Forge, rather skillfully on that small ship because it seemed that for the first time, he was actively trying to catch her to talk.

T3, bless that droid, stuck to her side, as did HK, though the assassin droid was more clearly on guard duty.

She wasn’t expecting trouble, at least not from anyone but Carth but he’d obeyed when she told him to leave and go to Tatooine.

So there they were, on their way, and Revan had no idea what the everliving Force she was going to do with Alek. 

No one would find her on Tatooine. No one would look for her on Tatooine. She knew she was hiding from her consequences but the only person on this ship to have ever done anything remotely close to what she had was Bastila who, again, was avoiding the older woman. Bastila had presumably taken Revan straight to the Council on Coruscant instead of pacing in a panic outside of the medical chamber because  _ she’d _ hunted down others for less than the insanity of what she’d done.

Some days, Revan thought the Council would understand, given that all life was supposed to be sacred to the Jedi. But that hadn’t stopped them from trying to destroy hers.

Other days, she thought the best thing to do would be to just disappear, with or without Alek but those days she pretty quickly put a stop to that line of thinking. She would  _ never _ subject him to the Jedi without her. They would return side by side or not at all.

Jolee stuck his head out and she paused, heart leaping into her throat. “Kid, if you’re going to just worry, worry in here rather than out there.”

“But-”

Jolee was already back inside. With a sigh, she stepped inside.

_ They’d managed to stop the bleeding but his jaw… Seeing Malak hooked up to machines, for the first time in months she felt guilt and regret. She hadn’t realized she could still connect to the light side of the Force, but it had come in handy to save his life, however distasteful the connection was. _

_ He lay there, unconscious from the pain medication, and cold anger bubbled up within her. She would take the Republic and burn off everything that she could not use. Her weakness was him, clearly, still. She would have to keep him close, keep him safe. She would protect her weakness. _

Alek had been stripped down to his underthings, unconscious. His personal effects were in a small footlocker nearby. He hadn’t woken up since the Forge, but she could still feel him in the Force. She didn’t know if he’d ever wake up. It had taken the Council and a mind wipe to bring her back, according to the only conversation she’d had with Bastila since the Padawan’s return to the light.

Revan didn’t have those kinds of resources but she had amassed a small fortune in credits. She could go by the name Mara again, find help for Alek, bring him back.

She knelt beside Alek and held onto his hand, bowing her head over it. “Please come back to me,” she whispered, the desire to see him awake again so strong that she thought she felt his fingers twitch.

“How much do you remember, between the two of you?” Jolee asked.

“Enough to know that if there is anyone in the galaxy I would have broken every one of the Jedi’s rules for, it would be him.”

“Attachment is-”

“Don’t, old man. I know. I’ve heard it before. I heard it from Bastila about Carth and I didn’t listen to her then either.”

“Attachment is not what the Jedi fear it to be. Without attachment to the world, to the people in it, how can you care about them?”

“The Jedi encourage us to love but only when it fits into their neat, passionless boxes.” Revan looked up at the old man, stunned to realize her vision was blurred by tears. “But what is passion but something that stirs you to action? Isn’t compassion, one of the defining traits of a Jedi, supposed to stir us to correct injustice and promote freedom through the galaxy?”

“I don’t have the answers, kid. You’ll have to take it up with the Council,” he said.

“I have,” she muttered sulkily before she realized she couldn’t remember if she had or not. She frowned. “Did you ever meet us? You lived close enough to the Star Map on Kashyyyk that when he and I went there the first time, you probably would have at least sensed us.”

“Is that a question?”

It would come at a price, she knew. But she didn’t care. “Yes.”

Jolee exhaled slowly. “No, I didn’t meet you. But I did see you.”

“And? What did you think?”

“This might sound like the perfect vision of hindsight, but I saw two young people who could change the galaxy.”

“I helped him destroy himself, Jolee. He chose his own path, we all agree on that. But would he have chosen that path if I hadn’t shown it to him in the first place? I shouldn’t dwell on the things I can’t change, and I really try not too. But it’s hard because I don’t know all the details. I need the details to be able to prevent that from happening again.”

“The rest of us go through life not knowing.”

“Well, I’m different!” she snapped and then immediately groaned. “I don’t blame the Council for treating me like a live bomb. They’re entirely right to. But Jolee, there were so many times I could and should have died and yet I just keep on living. That implies that there is something out there for me to do. And why did I turn on the Republic. It makes no sense, even if I’d turned to the dark side. Everyone says that I must have gone power-mad after the Mandalorian Wars but I didn’t. If you look at my record, I was nearly surgical. I didn’t overburden populations or planets. I targeted specific,  _ specific _ , places that would crack whoever I was fighting. I clearly didn’t want to harm more than I had to so  _ why was I fighting the Republic _ ?”

“I can’t answer that kid. And you might not ever either.” Jolee nodded to Alek. “But he might. In the meantime, you need to talk to Carth and the Mandalorian. He keeps bothering me.”

Revan had to laugh at that, even if it sounded a little more watery than she would have liked. “Alright, alright, old man. Fine. I’ll go talk to the Mandalorian.”

“And sonny?”

Revan winced. “Yeah, we need to talk to. But I don’t want to,” she said mulishly and, if she was going to be entirely honest, more than a little petulantly. She stood, looking down at Alek’s unconscious body,gaze wandering down the lines of his tattoo and the hard planes of muscle from a life of fighting. A life she'd caused for him. “You’ll tell me if there’s any change, right?”

“Of course I will, kid.”

She nodded her thanks and walked out, immediately feeling the impulse to walk right back in. Instead she went for where she knew she was most likely to find Canderous and there he was, bent over the workbench, fiddling with his rifle.

“HK,” she said. The droid whirred and she watched the muscles in Canderous’s back tense under his shirt.

“Inquiry: What do you require, master? Should I terminate the annoying meatbag?”

“No, that won’t be necessary right now. But I’d like to talk to Canderous alone. So go away.”

HK twitched like he was going to say something but decided against it and the assassin droid she’d built left. 

“Canderous, I’m sorry for what happened on the Forge.”

“Why?” he said, finally turning around, face pulled into a mask.

Oh, boy. She frowned. “Why what? Why am I sorry? Why did I do it?”

“Why are you sorry,” he clarified.

“Because you’re my friend and I shouldn’t have done it.”

“It saved your life right? I can’t say that I’d have been happy about it if you’d killed me, but I would have joined the other Mandalorians to fall by your hand.”

Sometimes, the Mandalorian warrior creed was an absolute permacrete wall she continued to beat her head against. Other times, she was absolutely grateful for it.

She didn’t know which one this would be.

“So...we’re good?”

“‘Course we are. I told you. I’m your man, wherever you go, whatever you do.”

Canderous was a good friend and it would be all too easy to take advantage of that. She’d have to keep an eye on herself. Revan reached out to lightly punch him in the shoulder rather than hug him like she actually wanted to do. He would probably set her on fire if she tried. “Well. Cool. That is a relief. I’m going to go talk to Carth.”

“Want me to send the droid up with you in case Republic tries anything?”

“We’re not going to kill Carth.  _ I’m _ not going to kill Carth because he’s the pilot and we do not kill the pilot.” Beyond the fact that Revan was positive she really could love him, she also didn't want to have to pilot the  _ Hawk _ . Not that she couldn't, of course. She simply did not want to.

“Fine,” Canderous sighed. “If there’s a problem, holler and I’ll be there if you need me.”

Revan nodded and then straightened up. “Back to your modifications.”

A faint smile curled his lips and he nodded.

* * *

Bastila’s head shot up as Revan entered the cockpit. “Excuse me, Carth,” she murmured as she stood. “I’m not feeling well.”

He was still in the process of connecting the information when Bastila brushed past Revan on her way out. He turned in the pilot’s seat to see her leaning against a wall, not betraying the tension she felt. Tension wasn’t the right word. It was the coiling anticipation in her gut of an imminent fight even if she actively did not want such a thing. 

“Hi,” she said softly.

“Did you need something?” he asked.

_ Ouch _ . “No, just to- Just to talk.”

“I’m all ears, beautiful.” He didn’t seem like he meant to say that from the way his head jerked immediately afterward, almost like he’d surprised himself.

"I know you're upset about...our guest."

Carth blinked at her and then ruefully shook his head. "You don't know how to pull punches, do you?" He exhaled something that any other day, she might have called a laugh. "Upset isn't the word I'd use. Confused, angry, those I'd use. Because, you know, it's not every day that the woman you love who you thought had stayed on the good side saves the life of the man who was directly involved in the destruction of the home planets of three members of your crew, as well as leading to the death of your wife and the estrangement of your son."

He wasn't good at being subtle either. Her hackles raised. "Do we need to have a history lesson and recount all of the terrible things  _ I've  _ done the past few years?"

"That's different," Carth insisted.

"Why? Because the Jedi Council stole my identity when they wiped my memory and gave me fake ones so that they could use me like the weapon I am?"

"You don't remember and you've proven that you're not that person anymore."

"But I am, Carth," she growled, straightening up. "I'm still the person that did those things and even if I don't remember everything I still remember some of them. Do you remember everything that you've ever done?"

"No, but-"

"I'm not saying that I'm the Dark Lord of the Sith and I'm going to turn on the Republic. I'm not and I'm not going to. But in order to stop myself from doing it again in case, Force forbid, I fall again, I need to know why I fell in the first place. And right now, the only one who can give me those answers is our guest."

"Is that the only reason you kept Malak alive?"

"I could lie to you, Carth, but I'm tired of having to lie to people. No. No, it's not. It's a large part of it because almost all of the memories I have revolve around him which means that he is probably the only living person who can give me any answers. And at the end," she hesitated, wondering how much she should tell him but immediately knowing she had to be completely honest with Carth, "we had words."

"What promises did he make you?"

"He didn't make any promises. He told me that of the two of us, my destiny might have been to be the Sith Lord, but his was not. And he also wondered what his destiny would have been had I not led him away."

Carth got to his feet, every muscle in him braced for a fight he would never be able to win if she didn't let him. "He was trying to manipulate you. How did you not realize that?"

"He was manipulating me when he admitted that he was nothing compared to me and my destiny?"

"He- Yes, he was. He was playing on your goodness."

"He was  _ dying _ , and I could not let him. He deserves the chance to get out of my shadow."

"Does he?"

She locked up before she realized she had, storm grey eyes narrowing. "You're being an asshole right now, Carth."

"I know and…" he exhaled. "I'm sorry but I don't trust him and I especially don't trust him around you."

"Do you trust me?" Revan asked.

"Always."

The admission surprised her. "I trust him. I'm not saying you need to forgive him. It took you reuniting with Dustil before you actually trusted me not to be what I used to be, and we were lovers."

The word sat heavy on her lips.

"We were more than that. I was your pilot."

_ 'I'm your man, wherever you go, whatever you do.' _

She could have cried at the difference in this conversation and the one with Canderous, but her eyes remained dry.

"Does this have anything to do with the fact that he and I clearly had a history?" she asked quietly.

"Yes," Carth answered honestly. "He could make you do anything he wanted because he holds the power of your memory."

She shook her head. "It looks like that, doesn't it?"

"You're going to be frustrating, aren't you?"

"He has our shared memories. There are years of my life that only he could answer. But after you and I and everyone else on the  _ Hawk _ found out who I was, I looked myself up. He followed me, Carth. And he still does."

"How could you possibly know that?"

"On the  _ Leviathan _ , before we fought, when he was talking. I held my hand up. I didn't say a word and he immediately went quiet."

"Fluke."

"Is it? I wasn't the one who was the apprentice."

"And he tried to kill you!"

"Did he?"

"Oh, don't give me that again. He  _ told  _ us that he tried to kill you. He was a Sith. How many have we killed over the past few months without you trying to save them?"

Sixty-four fallen Jedi. Five hundred thirty-nine soldiers or prospective Sith.

Only three had she tried to bring back.

That was a failure that would haunt her for the rest of her life and she accepted it, had awhile ago.

"And when I was a Sith, I vowed that I would protect him at any cost."

Carth's mouth snapped shut with an audible click of his teeth. "How do you know that?"

"Because I remembered. Whatever happened to his jaw  _ was  _ because of me and there was enough of the light side in me left that I was able to heal him a little and keep him from dying."

"You aren't Malak."

"No, I'm not."

He stared at her and his shoulders slumped. "This is it then."

"In another life, I would have loved you," she said honestly, hating what she was doing. For a moment, her mind almost changed but Carth would be better off without her. "But I remembered too much in this one."

Carth studied her, the muscles in his jaw flexing. "I think I'll always love you, beautiful," he said, reaching out to place a hand on her cheek. The contact broke something inside her. She choked back a sob and held herself as still as she could, despite nuzzling into his palm just a little. She tried to stop herself but she couldn't. She'd  _ missed _ his touch since the  _ Leviathan _ , had missed any physical contact at all. She was the untouchable Revan but she didn’t want to be.

"It would be easier if I didn't want to love you, if you didn't love me."

"Since when have we ever done things the easy way?"

She thought about their first meeting on the  _ Spire _ and those early days on Taris full of suspicion on both their parts. She hadn't been particularly diplomatic in coaxing his life and secrets from him, mostly badgering him until he gave up the stories. She'd done that with all of her crew, from Carth to Zaalbar to Jolee. She remembered the problems they'd overcome on Tatooine and Kashyyk and Manaan. Korriban had been an entirely different monster and the way she'd struggled to learn from the dark side but not be overtaken by it had taken its toll on all of them. But still. Here they were at the end of their mission. The Sith fleet defeated. Darth Malak defeated. Darth Revan defeated. The Republic was safe. Well, safeish. She’d neutralized a lot of threats but not all of them. And they’d probably made more.

Still, her companions had brought her a strangely large amount of personal grief in their own emotional entanglements.

Revan smiled, taking her hand in his and removing it from her face. "Never. Not all of the trouble was because of me, either, flyboy."

Carth began to chuckle before the sound vanished and he was left frowning at her. "I meant what I said."

"I know. So did I. I won't turn on the Republic again, no matter what happens." She pressed her lips together to hide their sudden trembling from the deep swell of grief in her heart. "You'll get your awards and accolades and I'll be swept off to some distant part of the galaxy until I'm forgotten."

Carth cocked an eyebrow. "Forgotten? I don't think so, Revan. No one will ever be able to forget you."

“I’ll go back to Coruscant for your rewards. All of your rewards. But I’m not going to until I know if he’ll wake up.”

For a moment, Carth’s face twisted in pain before it settled into resignation. “I should have expected this after our travels together. Once you decide something is your job, you don’t stop. It’s equal parts admirable and infuriatingly damnable.”

“Unfortunately,” she said with a quiet laugh.

“No. Fortunately.” Carth shook his head. “I’ll get us to Coruscant when you’re ready, beautiful.”

“You’re a better man than I could deserve.” Revan lifted her head and stared into the blue and white streaked darkness over his shoulder. “I’m not done. But I need to rest and recover and figure things out. Tatooine is as good a place as any.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 8 is going to be published early. It's much shorter than the others in the same vein as the super short "chapter" in As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner. Expect it 3/17 or 3/18. Depends on if I have to go to work all week because... well...   
> Chapter 9 will be going up on its normal day. I am sticking to that.
> 
> And did I reference Attack of the Clones? I very much might have. Revan and Anakin have a lot in common.


	8. Bonded

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which an important event occurs  
> AKA "My mother is a fish"

### Chapter Eight: Bonded

As Revan ducked a blow from a dark-robed assassin, the Force suddenly felt like a sun-warmed lake around her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this would have come up yesterday. Except there was an earthquake about six miles from my house. My first earthquake I've ever noticed. Not gonna lie, I thought it was it flash flood thunder at first but it didn't make any sense. Plus my work got disrupted majorly.  
> So yeah. Plague and an earthquake. There's gonna be a third thing. I'm calling it now.  
> Anyway. I'll post the ninth chapter tomorrow when I get up and hopefully I don't have an aftershock wake me up like it did this morning. Bright side, my dog only quietly grumped a tiny bit at my bed wobbling.  
> Fun times we live in now, y'all. Fun times.


	9. From Malak's Point of View

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Malak accepts what is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There have been a lot of updates to this story in the last 24 hours. Most of them to chapter 8. but I changed my mind a ton. Hopefully this one will make up for the shortness of the last one.

###  Chapter Nine: From Malak’s Point of View

Revan was dressed in sandy colored breeches and a sweat-stained white top as she stood beside the  _ Hawk _ as Malak took his first steps off the ship. Her lightsaber, and his, were concealed in the folds of her clothing he knew. The kyber crystal she wore glinted in the sun, glowing a very, very pale blue, visible pretty much only because it was against the white of her shirt.

Just the sight of it made his heart clench with grief.

With her dark hair plaited and twisted in on itself, she looked like she belonged there in the sun and the sand and Alek paused as emotions he still wasn’t used to feeling again tore into him. Really, she looked like some sort of primitive desert goddess but then he’d had that thought in nearly every location they’d ever been in together, except Coruscant itself. There and only there had she been too much.

But here after everything that had happened to them and between them? He hated that he still felt that way about her. 

That Mandalorian she’d taken to dragging around with her, the one who looked at her like she hung the moon and he would happily splatter it in blood if she so asked, had his eye trained on Malak. The Republic soldier who also followed her around like a lost Loth-wolf pup was more obvious about his dislike, one hand down on his blaster.

“Carth,” Revan said. The soldier looked to her, immediately straightening up. “He’s fine. Go check and make sure that Juhani doesn’t need help.” He wasn’t used to hearing her voice so...warm. Open. She hadn’t sounded like that since...

The Republic soldier looked at Malak, lip curling slightly before nodding and walking away.

“Why aren’t we on Coruscant for your coronation? I assume there will be one,” Malak said stiffly. He  _ was _ familiar with watching those caught in her orbit try to get her attention and he hated the desperate jealousy that swelled up in his chest, the hurt vanity at the weight of his metal jaw. Revan was so perceptive but she never saw any of it. Before they’d fallen, he’d seen it as proof that she did love him, as much as she could love anyone, because jealousy was simply not something she noticed, in herself or anyone else. After, it had infuriated him. It still did.

“Why the hell would anyone who wasn’t desperate willingly go to Tatooine?” she countered, one eyebrow raising. “Besides, you need time away from the Jedi. I figure being holed up here for a little bit and doing some manual labor will do you and I both some good.”

“Typical.”

Revan frowned. “What is that supposed to mean?”

He wished he could grind his teeth. “You say jump.”

“If you want to go to Coruscant, fine. We can head there right now.”

Even though she had put a hand on her hip and tilted her head like she was  _ daring _ him to accept, he knew she was dead serious about the offer. She would make everyone pack up and leave if he said yes. It was... _ strange _ . She was just like he remembered her before the Mandalorian Wars though...less angry and more scarred. 

Malak shook his head. “No, I’m good here.”

Her eyes softened. “You can go wherever you want, Alek.” He winced a little at the use of his old name. “You aren’t a prisoner. If the Council gets mad, I’ll make sure they get mad at me. What are they going to do? Wipe my memory again?”

“Don’t joke about that,” he said sharply, the words harsher sounding than he meant through the modulator. 

She frowned and opened her mouth before she swung her head around, muscles tensing. He looked up to see-

Juzreso, a green Twi’lek who had been one of the original Jedi that had gone with them when they joined the fight against the Mandalorians, stood there, red lightsaber crackling in the heat. Even from this distance, Malak could see the nearly violent twitching of his lekku.

“Revan,” Malak said softly.

“I know,” she replied. Raising her voice, she spoke to the Twi’lek, “Can I help you?”

**_“The rumors are true_ ** **,”** Juzreso said.  **_“You’re a Jedi again._ ** **”**

Malak could hear the contempt in his voice.

“Do I know you?” Revan didn’t face Juzreso fully but every line of her body screamed dismissal.

The tension had released from her muscles.

**“** **_You’re joking. No, no, you aren’t joking. What a delicious turn of events. And here is Malak, a neutered rancor._ ** **”**

Anger began to prickle along his nerves but Revan just held up a hand like she knew. “Well, if you know me, then I have some probably bad news for you. I’m sure you’ve heard of my memory loss. I remember a decent amount from before but I don’t remember you.” She paused and her voice flattened out in a way that Malak knew had heralded death in years passed. “Obviously you aren’t important enough for me to remember.”

Juzreso twisted his lightsaber, filed teeth bared into a snarl.

When she faced Malak on the Star Forge, she’d said that most of her memories had been about him, the ones that she remembered. At the time, he’d just wanted the pain of losing her to stop. Now, with the dark side pressing against him but not consuming like it had been, he still wanted all of it gone but he wasn’t going to try to drown it out.

The kyber crystal he still wore around his neck tingled against his skin.

“Revan,” he said, voice low.

Her head tilted, the only sign she was listening.

“Let me.”

He listened to her exhale slowly. “And if you get hurt? Or killed?”

“Then I deserve it.”

Revan immediately spun, the braids thumping gently against her neck, and her back presented to Juzreso. Malak stiffened. “Revan-”

All of a sudden, he felt a burning bright flare in the Force, familiar as a lightsaber in his hand, and Juzreso sank into the Tatooine sand up to his chest. Revan hadn’t moved a muscle. “That will hold him for a few minutes, which is long enough for you to explain this sudden death wish. Alek, I get it. I do.”

“No, you don’t,” he growled.

“Don’t I?”

“You don’t remember everything you did. I do!” The only way he could make the amends he owed was through his death.

Revan tilted her head, grey eyes stormy. “You don’t get to tell me what I remember? Do you want to know what I remember, Alek? Because I remembered when you got the metal jaw.”

The remembered anger and surprise from that moment took his breath away when she mentioned it. She remembered that? How could she even want to be around him? Unless she only remembered the aftermath. 

Revan continued to talk, seemingly unaware of the conflict in him. “When I saw you there, unconscious, even in the throes of the dark side  _ I knew you were my weakness _ . I decided then that I was going to do whatever it took to protect you.” She took a step closer, still looking up at him with hard eyes that seemed to shine with her intensity and he wanted so desperately to kiss her. He couldn’t though, not with the jaw and not now. Not in front of the Mandalorian who was standing there silently, but face lit up with amusement. 

Then the words registered. “You...what?”

“I’m not repeating myself.” Oh, her cheeks were tinged pink. That was priceless.

“You still cared about me?” he asked, taking a step further down the ramp, closer to her height. 

“Aliit ori'shya tal'din,” she said simply.

His eyebrows shot up. “Do you remember more than that phrase?”

“Since when do you speak Mando’a?” the Mandalorian asked, head tilting to the side. The expression reminded Malak uncannily of Revan but then anyone who spent too much time around her risked also developing her traits. He would know better than the rag-tag team she’d collected around herself since being unleashed back on the galaxy.

“I think I know a lot more,” Revan answered. “But I’ve only got some phrases right now. I said that to you, Alek, didn’t I?”

Yes. They’d both picked up on quite a lot of the language during the early part of the war, when they were both still struggling over whether or not they were still Jedi. After a particularly vicious fight, she’d come into his tent to find him sitting there, his lightsaber dismantled. The crystal was fine, but the rest…

_ “You’ll have to construct a new one.” _

_ Alek jumped at the sound of her voice, warm and sympathetic. He’d been so focused on his grief for his lightsaber, he hadn’t felt or heard her approach. “I know. I know, it’s just...what are we doing out here?” _

_ “Exactly what we need to be doing.” She sat down next to him, on the floor, legs crossed. Her hair was down. His fingers twitched to thread through the soft darkness. “You don’t have to stay, you know. You can go back. I wouldn’t blame you, especially since you need to rebuild your lightsaber anyway.” _

_ “You need me here.” _

_ She nodded. “I know. But not at the expense of you.” _

_ He wanted to kiss her. He wanted to drag her up against him and kiss her soundly because she had his heart, even if she never realized it. He’d wanted to before but now… He looked down at the kyber crystal glowing a pale blue surrounded by the inner mechanical workings of the lightsaber. “Here.” He picked up the crystal, feeling it pulse in time with his heartbeat. He stroked his thumb over it and then held it out to her. The glow reflected in her grey eyes, softening them. _

_ “That’s your kyber crystal.” _

_ “I know.” _

_ She stared at him, eyes widening, not taking the crystal he held out to her in his palm. “You’ll have to get a new one for your new lightsaber,” she said, a weirdly fragile note to her voice. He’d never heard it before but he didn’t take the crystal back. _

_ “That’s fine.” He took a deep breath. He knew what he wanted to say, had been wanting to say the words for years but their vows as Jedi had always pulled him up short. Now, when he wasn’t sure where they stood on the whole vows thing since they’d gone rogue, offering her his kyber crystal, the heart of his lightsaber, was the closest way he could say the words without saying them. _

_ And from the look on her face, she  _ finally _ understood what he had been trying to say. _

_ He kept trying though. “It’s yours. It’s always been yours. Since the day I met you. I just wish-” _

_ She held up a hand and he immediately stopped talking. She pulled out her lightsaber and ignited it, the blue light buzzing in the near silence. Revan regarded her weapon and then looked at him more softly than he’d ever seen before. Then, she deactivated it and let go, using the Force to lift it up. He didn’t realize what she was doing until she began to dismantle it and even then, he didn’t believe it. It was too casual. _

_ Until she exposed the heart of her lightsaber. Its glow was darker than his, a purer blue. She reached out and plucked it from the air and studied it for a moment before looking at him. Like him, she held out her hand with the crystal on her palm, but she lifted it with the Force and carried it over to him, letting it hover in front of where he sat. She raised an eyebrow, as though he hadn’t just felt the earth shift underneath him and everything he thought he knew had to be rewritten. _

_ He began to smile and carried his crystal over to her with the Force as he plucked hers from the air. It was warm and familiar and holding it felt a little like holding crystalized lightning. He closed his fingers around it, feeling the sharp edges dig in. Yes, this was Revan’s essence: sharp and powerful and a pure threat, but currently leashed and contained. _

_ He didn’t realize that she’d shifted closer, invading his space until she was right there, the blue crystals’ glow reflecting in her eyes. She held out the hand that didn’t have his crystal and gently pressed it to his face. “You are mine and I am yours,” she said, simply. A serious line had appeared between her eyebrows as she looked at him. One tear and then another dripped down her cheeks, the tracks glittering like diamonds in the light of the crystals. _

_ And then her lips were on his and Alek’s soul, his connection to the Force, everything in him sang with the rightness of it. _

_ Eventually, she pulled back, only to press her forehead against his while they tried to control their breathing. “Aliit ori'shya tal'din,” she whispered. _

_ He jerked in surprise. _

_ She pulled back and lifted an eyebrow. “I don’t know if I said that right. I don’t even know if that’s the right connotation. But you are my family. If you’ll have me.” _

_ “Anything for you, Rev. Anything.” He pulled her into his lap, her powerful legs wrapping around his waist and nothing had ever felt so right. “If anything happens to you-” _

_ She put a finger to his lips, frowning. “Jedi need to love,” she said, focused on his lips and gently stroking. He was finding it difficult to think about anything but the fact that she was there, that she felt the same way, that he wanted her. “The Council is wrong to deny us this. But,” she said, finally lifting her gaze, “we can’t go about this the wrong way. I would rather let a hundred planets burn than have to be out here fighting without you. And I can’t think like that, not and beat the Mandalorians. We have a job to do, Alek. You and I and Surik and all the other Jedi who followed us out here. This can’t ever be a distraction, otherwise we can’t do our jobs.” _

_ The kyber crystal in his hand suddenly seemed sharper. “But-” _

_ Her eyes narrowed briefly. “My crystal will always be yours. That will never change. But we have to take our moments together when we can but only when we will not be distracted by each other.” _

_ “What about right now?” he asked. She seemed otherworldly, lit by the two crystals. He was paying attention, and she was right. It didn’t change the fact that he could look and touch now. _

_ A smile, already becoming rare, curled up one corner of her mouth. “Well, we can’t leave right now to go get new crystals. And we can’t be the Jedi warriors the Republic needs without our lightsabers. So until then…” _

_ He smiled broadly, feeling his dimples form in his cheeks the smile was so big. “Perfect.” _

“Yes, you did,” he answered, dragging himself out of the pull of that particular memory. His eyes slid behind her. Juzreso had nearly gotten himself out of the sand. “Let me. Please.”

She paused, studying Malak. And then she unhooked his lightsaber and held it out to him.

It would be so easy to kill her right then and there. Even she probably didn’t have the reflexes to block an attack right then. But...no. He was her shadow and he was once again happy to stay there. He didn't need to be the one out in front.

But, before he moved past her to fight and kill Juzreso, he paused and met her gaze. Slowly, he pulled the crystal out that was forever tucked under his robes, next to his heart in its own cage of beskar steel. She didn’t understand. It was clear from the expression on her face and that was okay. She didn’t need to remember.

* * *

It was two years later that Revan disappeared to the Unknown Regions. The Republic Flyboy predictably landed on Malak’s doorstep to demand her location but since Malak didn’t know for sure, he denied any knowledge. 

He couldn’t remember what they’d found out there but he knew in his heart that she wouldn’t be coming back for a long time.

He’d begged to come with her when she came to say goodbye but all she’d said was “I was right. You’re my weakness. You’ll always be my weakness but I know that I will always be able to resist anything as long as I know you’re safe. So no. You can’t come with me. Especially not when I don’t know when I’ll return.” Then she was gone.

So he remained, mostly safe on Tatooine. He kept tabs on the Mandalorian, Canderous Ordo his name was. He’d been one of the few to leave with Revan, Ordo and the droids including that ghastly HK unit who called everyone meatbags. Ordo had long since returned and had apparently become the Mandalore but refused to talk about Revan. 

The Jedi Council ignored him out here in the outer reaches of nowhere, as long as he didn't make any waves, and the Republic didn’t know he wasn’t dead. He assumed it was some sort of deal Revan had made and it was just one more thing he'd owe her for. He repaid it by staying put and keeping his head down, killing the Jedi _he'd_ turned when they showed up. 

And every night, as the twin suns set, he would sit outside and look up at the stars, Revan’s kyber crystal safe in its beskar cage held in his hand. As long as he could still feel the static that represented her connection to the Force, he knew she was alive and alright. He would wait for her and no matter how long it took, when she returned, he would return to her side.

That was his destiny: to be her shadow, her tie to the ground. It had taken him a long while to accept that there really was no place he would rather be but he  _ had _ accepted it. Now, all he had to do was wait and he could do that.

He could do anything for her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's all she wrote, folks! I'd like to seriously thank each of you who has read this thing.   
> Hopefully this last chapter is a decent conclusion and it isn't too weird. I'm not great at the whole...characters having romantic moments thing and this is very much outside of my comfort zone. But that's how you grow.
> 
> I might go back and write a sequel that details Revan dealing with the Jedi Council over her decisions. And her companions. Because that is what we call conflict. But for now, nine chapters is the longest complete thing I've ever written. So here we are, at the end of this little road. Thanks once again. Really. Y'all are awaqwesome.

**Author's Note:**

> Not even going to lie, it really irritates me that you don't even get the option despite the whole "Bastila saved you" thing if you don't end the game dark side.  
> Thanks for reading and let me know what you think if you'd like!


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